I want to make sure I am positive and that I write it down when I'm in an EXCELLENT mood.
I uncovered a lot of layers today. Learned about Freud's Repetition Compulsion. the "
"cause of repetitive reliving of negative experiences"
A lot of the time, even the casual conversations I carry out are a re-enactment of past negative experiences. I attract, and subsequently seek negative attention to supplement an early emotion that I was unable to work out productively at the time of the original negative incident. Since that emotion was unresolved, it came out in anger, resentment, combative language, arrogance, and dramatic "shady" behavior to people.
It's an extremely wonderful feeling to realise that my responses need not rely on reliving this experience over and over again.
I want to name names but that would be irrelevant and unproductive.
For now, I'm jamming to a running mix - except I'm not running. I'm about to fold laundry, hang out at 420 , and take a nap. LOL
FEELIN GOOD
and I think I might want to go to Law School?
Music:
Obsessed remix - Mariah Carey ft. Gucci Mane
What You Know - Nicki Minaj
Makes Me Wanna Pray - Christina Aguilera
Obsessed (Jumpsmokers remix) - Mariah Carey
Scared of Lonely - Beyonce
Don't Rain on My Parade - Lea Michele (Glee)
The Way You Make Me Feel - Michael Jackson
I Wanna Take You Higher - Tina Turner
Candy Bling remix - Mariah Carey ft. T-Pain
Save Me - Aretha Franklin
I'm Gettin Paid - Nicki Minaj
Standing O - Mariah Carey
Get Up Offa That Thing - James Brown
The Best - Tina Turner
I Get Crazy - Nicki Minaj
Fantasy (Def Club Remix) - Mariah Carey
Shakin it For Daddy - Robin Thick ft. Nicki Minaj
Little Freak - Usher ft. Nicki Minaj
Angels Cry - Mariah Carey & Neyo
Obsessed (Jumpsmokers remix) - Mariah Carey
I Invented Sex remix- Trey Songz Usher & Keri Hilson
Don't Forget About Us (tony moran radio edit) - Mariah Carey
Tuesday, February 2, 2010
Friday, January 29, 2010
Thursday, January 28, 2010
Day 235
If I've done the math correctly, its been 234 days since my last blog.
I'd like to just post this video
Its one of Mariah's best videos yet. In regards to her own advancements in perfection - this is a step in the right direction. Anyone who knows me knows I'm a huge Mariah fan - but a fan of her videos - not so much. A lot of them can get boring, and the way she poses and looks like a deer in headlights, can be a little annoying. I prefer to just roll up, lay back and LISTEN - not neccessarily watch.
Not the case with this video. Its joining Touch My Body, Honey and Heartbreaker as one of her funniest and best looking videos. I'm proud of her husband for directing it cuz his last two efforts for her (I Stay in Love and My Love) sucked. the video for Angels Cry is also beautiful
it reminds me of an Alicia Keys video.
It also reminds me of my long love affair. On Feb 6 2010 it'll be two years since I met him. On day 19 I was pining and worrying about what he and I had together. It was a "sex thing" last year. Well it was an undefined love thing. I couldn't call him my boyfriend and he certainly didn't want to be mine. Some ultimatum's were made over the summer and by September - he came back. We haven't fought or threatened to break up since. I think this is the longest I've been in a steady relationship ever without breaking up and then making up the next day. A lot of my relationships were like that.
Heres some lyrics from Angels Cry that are not featured in this remix version.
limitless,
omnipresent kind of love,
couldn't have guessed it would just up
and disappear
in a whirlwind.
Here I am
walking on this narrow rope
wobbling but won't let go
waiting for a glimpse of the sun's glow.
I know I can stand just pull me back up/
there aint no hurricane its just us/
i'm willing to live and die for our love/
baby we can get back that shine
Kinda describes what he and I have been through together. I'm so happy that he's in my life as MINE.
now... if only I can be happy as ME. Yes, its day 235 and I'm still not perfect. I haven't worked out in months, I've gained "back fat" I didn't know was possible to have. I started school again and its an overwhelming mind fuck. I hope I make it through the end of the semester. This is my last chance.
I will report back tomorrow - or next year - haven't decided.
Obviously I'm not perfect. Thats not why I stopped writing.
I'd like to just post this video
Its one of Mariah's best videos yet. In regards to her own advancements in perfection - this is a step in the right direction. Anyone who knows me knows I'm a huge Mariah fan - but a fan of her videos - not so much. A lot of them can get boring, and the way she poses and looks like a deer in headlights, can be a little annoying. I prefer to just roll up, lay back and LISTEN - not neccessarily watch.
Not the case with this video. Its joining Touch My Body, Honey and Heartbreaker as one of her funniest and best looking videos. I'm proud of her husband for directing it cuz his last two efforts for her (I Stay in Love and My Love) sucked. the video for Angels Cry is also beautiful
it reminds me of an Alicia Keys video.
It also reminds me of my long love affair. On Feb 6 2010 it'll be two years since I met him. On day 19 I was pining and worrying about what he and I had together. It was a "sex thing" last year. Well it was an undefined love thing. I couldn't call him my boyfriend and he certainly didn't want to be mine. Some ultimatum's were made over the summer and by September - he came back. We haven't fought or threatened to break up since. I think this is the longest I've been in a steady relationship ever without breaking up and then making up the next day. A lot of my relationships were like that.
Heres some lyrics from Angels Cry that are not featured in this remix version.
limitless,
omnipresent kind of love,
couldn't have guessed it would just up
and disappear
in a whirlwind.
Here I am
walking on this narrow rope
wobbling but won't let go
waiting for a glimpse of the sun's glow.
I know I can stand just pull me back up/
there aint no hurricane its just us/
i'm willing to live and die for our love/
baby we can get back that shine
Kinda describes what he and I have been through together. I'm so happy that he's in my life as MINE.
now... if only I can be happy as ME. Yes, its day 235 and I'm still not perfect. I haven't worked out in months, I've gained "back fat" I didn't know was possible to have. I started school again and its an overwhelming mind fuck. I hope I make it through the end of the semester. This is my last chance.
I will report back tomorrow - or next year - haven't decided.
Tuesday, May 19, 2009
day 19
wow. a whole week not working out sucked.
Last monday I fell asleep in the parking lot of the gym and it set an unfortunate lazy precedent for the rest of the week.
but that's enough of that.
last night I slept over his place and took him to the airport this morning. He's off for 5 days and I'm jealous. wondering who he spoke to on the phone last night and said "i love you" to... he kept calling that person "boo"... i dunno --
he did call me babe last night. And he was silly with me. And kept looking at me like he did when we first met - I am being ridiculous thinking something else is going on besides exactly what is going on. I have a casual relationship with him -- but its deeper than that.
after we had sex -- i said "that was fun" and he said "more than fun"...
and we fell asleep...
so this morning
I
squat/push up superset
4 sets of 12 reps squat 1st set 95lbs - 3 sets 115 lbs.
4 sets of 15 push ups
II
RDL/shoulder press
3 sets of 10 RDL 95lbs
3 sets of 12 20lb dumbells
III Cable row/pullup/split squat
3 sets row 12 reps at 27.5 plate
9 pull ups
30 split squat
i feel ok. I only ran for 5 minutes in the beginning
I miss him a lot right now.... last night was probably one of the best so far...
Last monday I fell asleep in the parking lot of the gym and it set an unfortunate lazy precedent for the rest of the week.
but that's enough of that.
last night I slept over his place and took him to the airport this morning. He's off for 5 days and I'm jealous. wondering who he spoke to on the phone last night and said "i love you" to... he kept calling that person "boo"... i dunno --
he did call me babe last night. And he was silly with me. And kept looking at me like he did when we first met - I am being ridiculous thinking something else is going on besides exactly what is going on. I have a casual relationship with him -- but its deeper than that.
after we had sex -- i said "that was fun" and he said "more than fun"...
and we fell asleep...
so this morning
I
squat/push up superset
4 sets of 12 reps squat 1st set 95lbs - 3 sets 115 lbs.
4 sets of 15 push ups
II
RDL/shoulder press
3 sets of 10 RDL 95lbs
3 sets of 12 20lb dumbells
III Cable row/pullup/split squat
3 sets row 12 reps at 27.5 plate
9 pull ups
30 split squat
i feel ok. I only ran for 5 minutes in the beginning
I miss him a lot right now.... last night was probably one of the best so far...
Friday, May 8, 2009
day 8
Just ran
2.5 mi 23 minutes.
Scared of Lonely by Beyonce and Migrate by Mariah Carey -- great songs to run to.
Ankles were burning up -- but I trucked through it. Wore the Nike Pegasus -- gonna stick to Shox for running.
2.5 mi 23 minutes.
Scared of Lonely by Beyonce and Migrate by Mariah Carey -- great songs to run to.
Ankles were burning up -- but I trucked through it. Wore the Nike Pegasus -- gonna stick to Shox for running.
Wednesday, May 6, 2009
Day 7
today was emotional and heavy.
drank too much coffee.. I just felt you know for like 30 minutes I was having a panic attack. Coffee is one of those moderation rules.... moderation moderation moderation.
then my father calls and is bitching to me. details not important. I fucked up. but his belligerence to me switched me into full bitch mode. To think of how he fucked up and for him to come at me with some hypocritical shit -- i dunno sometimes small things that seem to be only about the here and the now- actually have been waiting to come up from 20 years ago. Needless to say - I was pissed.
I was so mean to my coworkers today... they all get the jokes cuz they get me and we all give it to each other... but I was saying some really gross things to one of them cuz I know she gets embarrased and I was just being bitchy cuz I wanted to and being kind of a basket case.
i didn't take care of responsibility today but I made it to the gym late at night at 9 oclock. Hate working out this late. Its so unyielding. The entire day's fuck ups and assholes and uncomfortable feelings and incidents are on your shoulders. Even if you had what felt like a good day - there are still the things you carry with you day to day weighing you down. Its hard to go through a whole routine and be on point and not feel that emotionally.
I did
4 set superset
bench press (95lbs) (12-12-12-10)
dumbell squat (bi lateral 2olbs) (12-12-12-10)
4 set superset
supine pull up (15-12-12-12)
lunge (15lbs 1st set) (10-10-10-10) (done for reps one leg at a time)
3 set super set
decline push up (feet on bench) 15-12-12-12
pull up (2 close one wide grip) 6-4-4
3 set triset
30sec. plank
10 squat thrusts
10 bicycles
I was dripping buckets. i felt like i needed to burp so bad. It doesn't seem like all that should knock you out - but it did.
I took my time and had pretty perfect form the whole time. I didn't lift too heavy or go too fast or go to slow. I timed every break between 30 seconds to 1:30 and never went past that.
I noticed a lot of the other guys at the gym look at me - themselves each other. This gym is very male oriented. Gyms I've been to usually have about 10 guys to every girl -- but some had like 3 guys to a girl but this gym has like 50 guys to 1 girl. its a meat head gym. every one is pumping hard and doing the whole lets get swole up. I get flashbacks of grade school when most all the guys picked on me for being the wonderful fagget that I was and am-- back then it didn't feel wonderful -- and I still get uncomfortable around all that testosterone. But I get a strong dose of my own and I know in my head that my knowledge of my body and fitness strength and training is so much more expansive than 98% of the poor suckers and cocky motherfuckers in there. I know I'm busting my ass and they're all walking around trying to figure out what to do next. So I don't mind that they're looking at me funny like i'm some jerk for being smaller than them. And for wearing my shorts a little higher than them- and dancing a little to my music. I get in my own zone and feel it and make the most of it. It was actually a great way to end the day -- feel released.
Music was big tonight.
Whipping Post - Allman Brothers Band
Simple Kind of Life - No Doubt
Crazy - Ray LaMontagne
Aint No Other Man - Christina Aguilera
Tusk - Fleetwood Mac
You Are the Circus I Am the Clown - have no idea the real title or artist
Good Times (I Get High) - Styles P
Start Me Up - Rolling Stones
How Much I Like It - Rihanna
The One (So So def remix) Mariah Carey
Makes Me Wanna Pray - Christina Aguilera
Lets Stay Together - Tina Turner live in Amsterdam
Here I Come - Fergie
You Got What You Wanted - Tina Turner
drank too much coffee.. I just felt you know for like 30 minutes I was having a panic attack. Coffee is one of those moderation rules.... moderation moderation moderation.
then my father calls and is bitching to me. details not important. I fucked up. but his belligerence to me switched me into full bitch mode. To think of how he fucked up and for him to come at me with some hypocritical shit -- i dunno sometimes small things that seem to be only about the here and the now- actually have been waiting to come up from 20 years ago. Needless to say - I was pissed.
I was so mean to my coworkers today... they all get the jokes cuz they get me and we all give it to each other... but I was saying some really gross things to one of them cuz I know she gets embarrased and I was just being bitchy cuz I wanted to and being kind of a basket case.
i didn't take care of responsibility today but I made it to the gym late at night at 9 oclock. Hate working out this late. Its so unyielding. The entire day's fuck ups and assholes and uncomfortable feelings and incidents are on your shoulders. Even if you had what felt like a good day - there are still the things you carry with you day to day weighing you down. Its hard to go through a whole routine and be on point and not feel that emotionally.
I did
4 set superset
bench press (95lbs) (12-12-12-10)
dumbell squat (bi lateral 2olbs) (12-12-12-10)
4 set superset
supine pull up (15-12-12-12)
lunge (15lbs 1st set) (10-10-10-10) (done for reps one leg at a time)
3 set super set
decline push up (feet on bench) 15-12-12-12
pull up (2 close one wide grip) 6-4-4
3 set triset
30sec. plank
10 squat thrusts
10 bicycles
I was dripping buckets. i felt like i needed to burp so bad. It doesn't seem like all that should knock you out - but it did.
I took my time and had pretty perfect form the whole time. I didn't lift too heavy or go too fast or go to slow. I timed every break between 30 seconds to 1:30 and never went past that.
I noticed a lot of the other guys at the gym look at me - themselves each other. This gym is very male oriented. Gyms I've been to usually have about 10 guys to every girl -- but some had like 3 guys to a girl but this gym has like 50 guys to 1 girl. its a meat head gym. every one is pumping hard and doing the whole lets get swole up. I get flashbacks of grade school when most all the guys picked on me for being the wonderful fagget that I was and am-- back then it didn't feel wonderful -- and I still get uncomfortable around all that testosterone. But I get a strong dose of my own and I know in my head that my knowledge of my body and fitness strength and training is so much more expansive than 98% of the poor suckers and cocky motherfuckers in there. I know I'm busting my ass and they're all walking around trying to figure out what to do next. So I don't mind that they're looking at me funny like i'm some jerk for being smaller than them. And for wearing my shorts a little higher than them- and dancing a little to my music. I get in my own zone and feel it and make the most of it. It was actually a great way to end the day -- feel released.
Music was big tonight.
Whipping Post - Allman Brothers Band
Simple Kind of Life - No Doubt
Crazy - Ray LaMontagne
Aint No Other Man - Christina Aguilera
Tusk - Fleetwood Mac
You Are the Circus I Am the Clown - have no idea the real title or artist
Good Times (I Get High) - Styles P
Start Me Up - Rolling Stones
How Much I Like It - Rihanna
The One (So So def remix) Mariah Carey
Makes Me Wanna Pray - Christina Aguilera
Lets Stay Together - Tina Turner live in Amsterdam
Here I Come - Fergie
You Got What You Wanted - Tina Turner
Monday, May 4, 2009
Day 5
I want it to happen right away -- that is, everything.
ok so this morning was supposed to be bootcamp. I woke up at 5:45 in his bed -- was sooo nice spending Sunday with him and of course the sex was top notch. Sucks that I didn't get much sleep but I was encouraged to get up and start the day and work out.
I get outside and its raining. Class is cancelled. I was almost tempted to go back upstairs but I said fuck it - go home get ready for work and get to the gym before hand. I commited to working out - so what that it wasn't bootcamp class.
workout consisted of:
4 set Superset
B.O.R 90lbs (bent over row) w/bar (10-10-8-6)
RDL 90lbs (romanian dead lift) w/bar (12-10-10- 8)
4 set Superset:
Incline Bench press (2 sets 90lbs - 1 set 80lbs) (12-10-8- 6)
dumbell squats 2olbs (12-12-12-10)
4 set Superset:
stationary lunges 15lbs dumbells (12-12-12-12)
pull up (close underhand grip) (6-6-4-4)
1 mile run 8:42
the run was tough --- I wanted to give up at the half mile but then Tina Turner - Simply the Best came on the Ipod and really pushed me through.
I always have this great shakey feeling at the end of a work out. my heart is pounding my knees are shaking. I'm dripping sweat. It's very close to sex.
The combination of a renewed friendship with him -- and somehow a deeper intimacy level from him - with my working out has me feeling on top of the world.
Of course I am still the fragile tulip I've always been and am feeling insecure despite having no good reason to. Here's to just taking it easy on myself and forgiving myself for wanting to text him 800 times right now and tell him how much I love him -- just because I want to doesn't mean I have to or that I should. I don't have to plan a wedding today -- I only have to be happy and be happy he's in my life someway.
more tomorrow.
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