Advancements in Perfection

2010-12-28T19:50:00.000-08:00

fuck you...

2010-11-15T09:57:00.000-08:00

what am I doing?
rather than sit in class, I've come to ignore my responsibilities and of course... i can't even finish this sentence.

I couldn't finish college (still at that one)
couldn't make it as a photographer - and yet idiots with a point and shoot, no money, no connections, can move to NYC and get work...
i couldn't make it in LA
couldn't make it as a personal trainer
can't even personally train myself to get a six pack.
i can't keep a man.
i can't keep a job.
i can't keep my bathroom clean.

i'm a useless sap of nothing going nowhere and feeling the emptiness of everything.

the emptiness of everything. Everything is all over and inside and out of everything you see. everything is inside and out of everything you can't see. Its every piece of matter and every piece of space in between all the matter. And I only feel the emptiness in all of it. nothing is there. none of it matters...i'm not really here either.

Day 543

2010-11-06T22:40:00.000-07:00

I have been SO unmotivated and UNfocused. its not even cute anymore... I'm ready to be committed.... to they psych ward... Every time I sit down to write something, or do homework, or work out, or clean my room, or eat a healthy meal; I am paralyzed by fear and this unyielding...

did it again - i stopped writing that too tinker with an always update-able iTunes playlist of Christmas music. Its not even double digits November and I'm focusing on making the perfect Christmas playlist.

I wish I had a family of my own. My own home and my own children and people would come over and it would a warm place of love and good times. - which is why i value Christmas so much. Its a time to be thankful for the family I do have - even tho its not perfect - filled with resentments and many things are unsaid - its still my family and I'm glad to have it. So for christmas, I like to provide the music that fills the house and puts at least ME in a good mood... I duno christmas is important to me for those reasons...

mostly i've just been able to shake this unrelenting sense of "DO ABSOLUTELY NOTHING"

its like a mantra going off in my mind while my world around chips away piece by piece... failure by failure.

2010-09-23T13:54:00.001-07:00

quitter

Day 458

2010-08-11T22:04:00.001-07:00

Ary Nunez SHOWTIME: LOVES! LET'S BE RESPONSIBLE AND GRATEFUL TO OUR GODLIKE QUALITIES. ADVERSITIES ARE THE EXERCISE TO LIGHTNESS AND THE GREATNESS THIS LIFETIME WARRANTS WILL UNFOLD AS MIRACLES WELL DESERVED

Today I joined Krank Systems owned by Pete Isip

heres a link to his website

and two videos showcasing some of the disgusting vile things he makes people do.

today I had a resistance band wrapped around my ankles limiting my mobility and i had to take 20 steps forward and backward and 20 steps to the right and 20 steps to the left and then do it twice.

UM sounds so easy right.

My ass muscles, and I call them muscles not just my ass because I felt every last one of them, were experiencing a pain never so bizarre and wretched as experienced today. This is coming from a guy who is gay and has had solid, big and oddly shaped foreign objects - mostly penises but still - inserted INSIDE his anal cavity... And this hurt more.

okay thats a gross joke but it had to be said.

if that weren't enough I went through a series of squats and lunges and some push ups and crunches and then more squats and more push ups and more lunges. i then hung from suspension bands and pulled myself up... i'm too flummoxed to try to figure out the proper verbiage for this exercise. It was horrible. I told myself I couldn't do it... and then i remember when my father told me "ya know me an your mom are probably going to get divorced and i'm probably going to marry (his then girlfriend, who i'm not naming)" I said "yeah" and then he asked "do you think she's pretty". I wanted to jump out of the car at 75 miles an hour. I was so angry. Why the fuck did he want to know if I thought she was pretty? I didn't care if she was Cindy Crawford, she's not prettier than my mom and I wanted them to stay together.

so in the middle of me pulling myself up in the hell that is this wretched exercise - i'm thinking about this - something came over me and I said - Carlos, you got through that - you can get through this. And I finished the set and didn't give up. I paced myself and breathed through it and did it.

and then I went to the bathroom and threw up.

LMAO

hear my heartbeat

2010-08-08T10:32:00.000-07:00

and i think somewhere in between palisades park and paterson i realised he was digging me
lol
and i as time is going on realizing that im starting to really dig him
and blah blah it wasn't a real date
it was just a hang out thing
but it was unexpected
ah ok. i get it now
well you had a cute little moment
you gonna follow up?
or did he?
he hasn't!!!!
lol
we talked after we got home over text and thru IM
:/
that's a good enough follow up
yeah but he hasn't yet so far today
lol
any kinda communication counts
well its still kinda early
as long as a week doesn't go by
true
a WEEK!?!?!?!!?
oh no
i think thats rude
it is
but i was exaggerating
anything more than 24 hours is rude
aw i feel the same
when it comes to lovey dovey
not friend stuff
i'll ignore an annoying bitch
but then i'll feel sorry for them
cause im a softie
nah it can't be lovey dovey
but i feel like when its established that you like someone u should just be in touch i guess
what a crazy world we live in and the rules i make up in my own head....

There was a time when love grew in silence over months without a word from your loved one. Separated by miles or weather or war and without the scent or sound or words of your loved one, just the memory of what's burning up inside.

and besides - wouldn't those people be annoyed if they ended up having to be in constant communication with their loves?

2010-07-16T21:24:00.000-07:00

2010-07-13T09:29:00.001-07:00

In Search of Schrodinger's Cat: Quantum Physics and Reality by John Gribbin

The Fabric of the Cosmos: Space, Time, and the Texture of Reality by Brian Greene

Einstein for the 21st Century His Legacy in Science, Art, and Modern Culture

I am not sold on the 3rd one. Its more like a survey of different achievements and mistakes Einstein made rather than a thorough analyisis of his work.

Consequences Day 400

2010-07-13T08:42:00.000-07:00

Consequences day 400

I've been here before. no literally here in this spot. This place on the earth. Unless this earth has moved from and back to and away from again from this spot.

In the library on campus. I've been here before when I could've been in class. I woke up late and arrived on campus with 60 minutes left of lecture. I walked up to the door, I peered in the window, I saw more people than usual, less empty seats, I saw peole being interested, people being bored and I didn't want to shift the energy back on to me.

I'm a chicken.

I came to the library to write this. I looked up 4 books on Quantum Mechanics. I am like a label whore for my reading and music interests. I like to pretend to read and listen to smart people topics but I really feel so average and like an idiot. Oh well, these books are written for the non scientist so i think it will be fine.

Day 397

2010-07-10T00:42:00.000-07:00

i go to a playlist point of view

mariah's ballads

1. Vision of Love
2. Love Takes Time
3. Hero
4. Without You
5. My All
6. We Belong Together
7. H.A.T.E.U
8. Fly Like a Bird
9. Don't Forget About Us
10. Help Me Make It Through the Night
11. Bliss
- angel prelude -
12. Slipping Away
13. Thanx 4 Nothin
14. Imperfect
15. Reflections
16. Can't Let Go
17. Anytime You Need a Friend
18. Music Box

everything i'm touching is created before and after i created it. It sits and continues to create

every moment I'm having, I already had and will always have.

not to get too heady cuz i won't be able to complete the thought tonight.
consequences... when faced with a way to my dreams, I doubt it. faced with its ever presence, i cower in its enormity marveling in its insignificance

I met a guy today who turned out to turn me upside down. But i am him? who's wiggling?

references : Radiolab.org beyond time episode

http://www.wnyc.org/shows/radiolab/episodes/2005/03/04

WNYC - Radiolab: Beyond Time (March 04, 2005)

annoying ramblings

Day 370

2010-06-12T00:24:00.000-07:00

I tend to not read.
Such common reading materials I use, NY Times, Hemingway, Jane Austen, articles, poems, I catch in passing I tend to draw out lengthy explanations and wordy responses to original thoughts and I use a lot of words to say virtually nothing at all. Saying it in order to just announce that i will be saying something at the end of this non-incendiary statement. For what its worth the way I think, and the way I take in information can trouble me too much to the point that my emotional comprehension moves at such a rate faster than my practical comprehension that I am often drawn to move out of line wiht my own thoughts or action. Perpetual distraction .
So thats one reason I don't read.
The other is I tend to abhor the tedious drivel of most self centered narcissistic writers, such as myself and the problem is I can't seem to ignore the underlying narrative of a writer unknowingly exposing himself and his real intentions while presenting a piece of investigated, or at the very least, seriously contemplated piece of thought. I hear the intention behind their presumptions, and I'm left to recognize that every writer has to seek out evidence of the ideas they already gave birth to a thousand times over. Seeking out the brilliance of mastered words can reaffirm my own brilliance.
and here in an attempt to dispel another person's mistake in reading, I found my own fault in not doing so.
Thirdly tho I would make the point that often finding out the truth of a writer's intention can make it hard to take their shroud statement seriously. So I tend to not read highly political pieces in restraint from leaving the group to then absorb myself into an anti-group group. Political unity never gets truly examined. its always one political platform hiding behind any interest with the broadest potential market, supplanting their agenda with supportive evidence and swaying materials that support their main issue.
At the end of it, I feel like the ideas I've had in my head, that are just there as a product of the ideas that have always existed, ideas that we all share, individually our own, and collectively shared, are never fully expressed as perfectly as they are in my own head.

so i'm kind of like a one man communist nation.

2010-03-26T09:23:00.000-07:00

from About.com

I am doing extra acts of kindness rather than giving up something.
—nganga2

Getting Drunk
I have gotten drunk nearly every weekend or week since I was about 16 years old. I will be turning 27 next month. Today is Wednesday, March 10, and it has been roughly three weeks since I had a drink. Halfway there! I DO IT FOR GOD NOT MYSELF: I will not let God down. We can all do it, and this board helped. Thank you all.
—Guest Joe

Facebook
I'm giving up Facebook for Lent! It's been hard; I went through a little withdrawal, but no big deal. I'm still going, and I'm not even counting the days.
—Guest haggard23

Lenten Sacrifice
This year I decided to approach my Lenten sacrifice differently. Instead of giving up one thing for the full 40 days, I am adding an element of spiritual growth instead. I began to read the Psalms everyday in addition to my current devotions, leading (hopefully) to more peace and a closer relationship to God. With two jobs and a number of other community and ministerial activities, my free time is extremely limited, so I will in fact be giving up things to make time for the Psalms. I can only hope that it becomes a habit, and that I continue this after Easter.
—Guest Laurie D

EWTN
I'm watching at least an hour of EWTN each night. The problem is that I like it so much it hardly seems to be a sacrifice. It was intended as a gift to God, though.
—Guest KKPG

Sometimes You Should Take Something On
Some good ideas include reading the Bible by Easter, adopting a child from a Catholic agency, or doing a daily rosary. For some people, giving up chocolate does not personally help them, so instead of Lent always being viewed as "giving something up," it can also be viewed as taking something on.
—Guest MK

Beef
I am giving up beef for Lent. It's so difficult to resist the craving for burgers, chili, meatballs, etc., when I'm out to eat. I am committed to giving them up, and it's been working out so far, although it's been very challenging. Also thinking of going back to church and taking my daughter with me every Sunday mass. I would like to start teaching her the importance of prayer and listening to God's Word.
—Guest AAB

KS Catholic

I am a convert, and I continue to be amazed at how rich and fulfilling the Catholic Church is. Lent and Easter drip with grace, and I, year after year, fail in my Lenten sacrifice(s). Already, we are two weeks into Lent, and I have not fully committed myself. I must surrender and quit procrastinating. Being obedient to my Lord must be my daily goal. Therefore, I will abstain from unhealthy foods and soda; tame my tongue (gossip, occasional swearing, verbally lashing out when angry); pay my bills on time; incorporate exercise into my life so my body can be a worthy vessel of God; go to Confession frequently; pray, meditate, and read the Bible; keep our home neat, clean, and orderly; replenish our savings; be more punctual; teach my children Catholic prayers; pray the rosary/Divine Mercy; no lying/swearing/gossiping/criticizing/grumbling, etc. Clean my heart, soul, mouth, and spirit. Bless the Blood of Christ. Less anger and disappointment. Pray for me my brothers and sisters in Christ.
—KScatholic

What We're Giving Up for Lent
Bill is giving up deserts—quite a sacrifice for him. I am giving up chocolate, to which I am quite addicted. We are giving the money we would have spent on these things plus the meat on Friday, etc., to a place that cares for the poor and homeless.
—Guest Bill and Lynn Baird

Working on Self-Denial
True self-denial is hard for me. Even amidst the fasting of Lent, I've always looked for a way to cheat. I am trying visualize Christ on the Cross and all the self-denial that took. My main goal is to keep to two small meals and one normal meal. I will be praying for others I've read about here who are trying to take control of something, be it alcohol, cursing, etc. May we all reap enormous spiritual blessings from this holy season.
—Guest Autumn

What I Decided To Give Up for Lent 2010
Well, I had a hard time to come up with one, since I have never completed a whole Lent and taken it as seriously as I am this year. I am a junior in college and wanting to do something for me. I decided to give up MySpace, Facebook, saying bad words, eating meat, and I will be a good daughter. I decided to do this because giving up MySpace and Facebook, as silly as it sounds, is really hard for me. I am so used to using them during homework, before and after I sleep, at night, etc. I also decided to not say bad words because I need to break that habit. I don't like it and I am trying to avoid that. I need to be a better daughter because I have observed myself, and I could be better. I want to be better, and I hope that through prayer and self-discipline, I can achieve this. Lastly, I have thought of becoming vegetarian and wanting to become more humble by avoiding meat. This way I can learn and value the struggles poor people go through.
—Guest Chelylicious

AlcoholI am giving up all forms of alcohol. I enjoy a glass of wine with dinner and an occasional cocktail. I am also giving up all forms of sugar/sweets. I really love Kashi bars—in fact too much, so this is a good way to get control over eating too many. I will enjoy natural forms of sugar, from fruit and maybe honey—all things God created. I am also praying to, and reading more about, God. I want to hear HIS voice instead of my own.
—Guest Kathleen

Eating and Complaining
I am giving up food for Lent. I know this one is going to be hard for me, but I know that life is not meant to be easy, and so I am going to give it my all. When I told my friends that I would be fasting for 46 days of Lent they all thought I was crazy, but I am going to give it my best shot. I am also going to try to give up my complaining. I complain on a daily basis, and I am going to give it my all not to complain because I know it could be worse.
—Guest Elizabeth

A Studious Lent
This year I've decided that I'm going to use The Artist's Way as part of my Lenten observation. I decided to go through the process for my writing, and now that I've gotten into it, I see how much it's benefiting my spiritual life as well. I'm excited for what the rest of the study will bring for my spiritual walk and my writing. In addition to that (which I don't think really "counts" because I'm already doing it on my own), I'm going to read/study Johnnette Benkovic's Full of Grace. There are eight chapters and six weeks of Lent, so if I double up two weeks' readings, it'll be perfect. I considered going through a Women of the Bible study I found online, but there are 17 lessons, so I couldn't figure out how to make it work for Lent (for me), so I'm saving it for after Easter instead. I've also decided to give up sleep. I'm going to get up earlier every day in order to spend time in prayer, get things done around the house, and get an early start to the day.
—Guest Nicole

Day 293

2010-03-26T08:38:00.000-07:00

40 days have gone by.

and I did not think of what I gave up for lent. I think this is because LOL

sigh
eyes shift
hear a noise

scrunch up toes
close eyes
write
write
delete

i thought of it for sure. I probably thought of it the most when I was stuffing my face with bread and butter - the object of my lenten vow to abstain. I couldn't hear the promise I made to an imaginary God. The promise to not consume bread and butter, and to foolishly scoff that it would be an appropriate and feasible behavior. I feel like God and those who are faithful (rolling eyes) get a good chuckle over my attempt to mock something thats been around longer than I could ever bare. But here I am - doing such. I thought of bread and butter and what it meant to me. the crunch of the toast and butter gliding across every fiber of bread hitting my back teeth and gums awakening every sensory nerve attached to comfort and peace.
I thought of bread and butter in the in between moments of regret from, and anticipation to, ultimatley eating again -- bread and butter. Whether fresh from the oven or cooled by the warm breeze and cracked on the outside, with its gooey center still melting in your mouth, salted room temperature butter

I don't really want to resign myself to write about butter right now. I'm supposed to be channeling my train of thought to reveal something important or powerful that I can use to get me the fuck out of my own head. How is that I am going to accopmlish that .... get out of my own head by compartmentalizing and dissecting each thought process that I have and basically staying in my head.

but bread is good. its better with butter. and i chose to not eat bread and butter together at all during lent. turns out I didn't eat it about 1/3 of the time - the rest of the time - basking in the magical glow of simultaneous bliss and guilt --

And today - I was compelled to come to this vague and often underused and almost sarcastically thought of blog of mine and write anything. I counted the days since I last was on as I have been doing, and it has been 40 days.

I have to go look it up but...yep I was right - Ash Wed was Feb 17 - so today is the 39th day. I already ate bread and butter today with an egg over as easy as a whore on tina.

1/3 of the time actually proves to be somewhat of a success - but who am I kidding - I see this promise to God and promise to my psyche to try to figure it all out and be good and faithful without ever wanting to give up, I see this promise, and I see it as insurmountable more than I had given myself credit for.

Why today and not once in any of the 40 days had I not written here?

Someone else who's written is going to have to help me now cuz I can not sit here and figure any other stuff out ...

music:
none

Day 253

2010-02-16T00:29:00.000-08:00

The Failure of Reconstruction

The era following the Civil War, called Reconstruction, took shape, and slowly dissolved over a decade and finally ended with the Presidential Election of 1876. The standard set by the Declaration of Independence was that every man would have economic, religious, and moral autonomy from an oppressive government, and for that same government to also protect the security of those autonomies. The main goal of Reconstruction was to broaden the wing of protection to include former slaves who were emancipated after the Civil War. It is by this definition of Reconstruction that declares Reconstruction itself a failure, because although an attempt to protect former slaves was made, many generations would pass before some if any of the new principles of freedom would actually be practiced or protected long term.

After being physically destroyed, the South was taken under control by the Union Army. Of specific interest to President Lincoln and the Republicans, property and voting rights for former slaves were protected and advancements to their economic and educational situations were made. Union General William Sherman promised land in South Carolina and Georgia to be settled by black farmers. Called Special Order 15, the promise of 40 acres and a mule became a symbol of freedom, but also an ironic synonym for the unrealistic and unfavorable outcomes of Reconstruction as much of the land which was set aside for Special Order 15, was promised but never given outright. A system of sharecropping, which would allow farmers to rent land in the hopes of earning enough to one day own it, kept most blacks from true economic independence. The sharecroppers would only reap profits after loans that covered their supplies, and rents were paid to land owners at unfair rates.

During Reconstruction black voters became a large supporter of Republican candidates in the now impotent Democratic South, and were able to see thousands of black men hold political offices at every level of government from local to federal. President Andrew Johnson succeeded Lincoln after his assassination and was elected to office in 1866. His staunch belief in self governing state power against any federal intervention, along with his inherent racism led to many battles with Congress to block all civil rights legislation. This laid the groundwork for a political resurgence of racist Southern Democrats, and a growing apathy amongst Northern Americans to lose a vested interest in the success of Reconstruction. Congress ratified the 14th Amendment to the Constitution which promised citizenship to all persons born in America, and in essence secured freedom for blacks to claim their own independence. Opposition from local and state governments gave way to the rise of white supremacist activist groups like the Ku-Klux-Klan and violent attacks against black individuals and communities, including lynching and the burning of many churches and farms, kept the black community from any substantial advancements in society. In 1869 under newly elected President Grant, the 15th Amendment passed which allowed for all men to vote without the discrimination of race, yet this too was undermined by the imposition of poll taxes and literacy tests to voters, unfairly preventing the poor and uneducated population from voting.

The election of 1876 between Republican Rutherford B Hayes, and Democrat Samuel Tilden, was a statistical tie and ultimately decided by the Supreme Courts ruling to declare Hayes the winner by one electoral vote. The regaining of power by the Democrats in the South had given them bargaining power in the debate over the election. Republicans had promised Democrats a position in Hayes’ cabinet and a promise to leave Southern states to their own affairs, so long as they promised not to hinder the personal and political freedoms of blacks. Democrats agreed with their figurative fingers crossed behind their back, and the Army left the South, all but handing over the lives and welfare of black people to the system of oppression that had enslaved them for centuries. Any promises made to uphold the values for which the Civil War was waged and won, would be ignored and all political achievements in the name of civil rights wouldn’t be fully protected under the federal government for 90 years. The generation of freed slaves who were promised a better life, were robbed of their freedom, and while the steps taken in the era of Reconstruction laid the groundwork for future civil rights movements, the era was ultimately a failure for the people it directly intended to serve.

Day 240

2010-02-02T12:37:00.000-08:00

I want to make sure I am positive and that I write it down when I'm in an EXCELLENT mood.

I uncovered a lot of layers today. Learned about Freud's Repetition Compulsion. the "
"cause of repetitive reliving of negative experiences"

A lot of the time, even the casual conversations I carry out are a re-enactment of past negative experiences. I attract, and subsequently seek negative attention to supplement an early emotion that I was unable to work out productively at the time of the original negative incident. Since that emotion was unresolved, it came out in anger, resentment, combative language, arrogance, and dramatic "shady" behavior to people.

It's an extremely wonderful feeling to realise that my responses need not rely on reliving this experience over and over again.

I want to name names but that would be irrelevant and unproductive.

For now, I'm jamming to a running mix - except I'm not running. I'm about to fold laundry, hang out at 420 , and take a nap. LOL

FEELIN GOOD

and I think I might want to go to Law School?

Music:
Obsessed remix - Mariah Carey ft. Gucci Mane
What You Know - Nicki Minaj
Makes Me Wanna Pray - Christina Aguilera
Obsessed (Jumpsmokers remix) - Mariah Carey
Scared of Lonely - Beyonce
Don't Rain on My Parade - Lea Michele (Glee)
The Way You Make Me Feel - Michael Jackson
I Wanna Take You Higher - Tina Turner
Candy Bling remix - Mariah Carey ft. T-Pain
Save Me - Aretha Franklin
I'm Gettin Paid - Nicki Minaj
Standing O - Mariah Carey
Get Up Offa That Thing - James Brown
The Best - Tina Turner
I Get Crazy - Nicki Minaj
Fantasy (Def Club Remix) - Mariah Carey
Shakin it For Daddy - Robin Thick ft. Nicki Minaj
Little Freak - Usher ft. Nicki Minaj
Angels Cry - Mariah Carey & Neyo
Obsessed (Jumpsmokers remix) - Mariah Carey
I Invented Sex remix- Trey Songz Usher & Keri Hilson
Don't Forget About Us (tony moran radio edit) - Mariah Carey

Amadalla menu LOL

2010-01-29T14:08:00.000-08:00

Day 235

2010-01-28T22:29:00.000-08:00

If I've done the math correctly, its been 234 days since my last blog.

Obviously I'm not perfect. Thats not why I stopped writing.

I'd like to just post this video

Its one of Mariah's best videos yet. In regards to her own advancements in perfection - this is a step in the right direction. Anyone who knows me knows I'm a huge Mariah fan - but a fan of her videos - not so much. A lot of them can get boring, and the way she poses and looks like a deer in headlights, can be a little annoying. I prefer to just roll up, lay back and LISTEN - not neccessarily watch.

Not the case with this video. Its joining Touch My Body, Honey and Heartbreaker as one of her funniest and best looking videos. I'm proud of her husband for directing it cuz his last two efforts for her (I Stay in Love and My Love) sucked. the video for Angels Cry is also beautiful

it reminds me of an Alicia Keys video.

It also reminds me of my long love affair. On Feb 6 2010 it'll be two years since I met him. On day 19 I was pining and worrying about what he and I had together. It was a "sex thing" last year. Well it was an undefined love thing. I couldn't call him my boyfriend and he certainly didn't want to be mine. Some ultimatum's were made over the summer and by September - he came back. We haven't fought or threatened to break up since. I think this is the longest I've been in a steady relationship ever without breaking up and then making up the next day. A lot of my relationships were like that.

Heres some lyrics from Angels Cry that are not featured in this remix version.

limitless,
omnipresent kind of love,
couldn't have guessed it would just up
and disappear
in a whirlwind.
Here I am
walking on this narrow rope
wobbling but won't let go
waiting for a glimpse of the sun's glow.
I know I can stand just pull me back up/
there aint no hurricane its just us/
i'm willing to live and die for our love/
baby we can get back that shine

Kinda describes what he and I have been through together. I'm so happy that he's in my life as MINE.

now... if only I can be happy as ME. Yes, its day 235 and I'm still not perfect. I haven't worked out in months, I've gained "back fat" I didn't know was possible to have. I started school again and its an overwhelming mind fuck. I hope I make it through the end of the semester. This is my last chance.

I will report back tomorrow - or next year - haven't decided.

day 19

2009-05-19T07:00:00.000-07:00

wow. a whole week not working out sucked.

Last monday I fell asleep in the parking lot of the gym and it set an unfortunate lazy precedent for the rest of the week.

but that's enough of that.

last night I slept over his place and took him to the airport this morning. He's off for 5 days and I'm jealous. wondering who he spoke to on the phone last night and said "i love you" to... he kept calling that person "boo"... i dunno --

he did call me babe last night. And he was silly with me. And kept looking at me like he did when we first met - I am being ridiculous thinking something else is going on besides exactly what is going on. I have a casual relationship with him -- but its deeper than that.

after we had sex -- i said "that was fun" and he said "more than fun"...

and we fell asleep...

so this morning

I
squat/push up superset
4 sets of 12 reps squat 1st set 95lbs - 3 sets 115 lbs.
4 sets of 15 push ups

II
RDL/shoulder press
3 sets of 10 RDL 95lbs
3 sets of 12 20lb dumbells

III Cable row/pullup/split squat
3 sets row 12 reps at 27.5 plate
9 pull ups
30 split squat

i feel ok. I only ran for 5 minutes in the beginning

I miss him a lot right now.... last night was probably one of the best so far...

day 8

2009-05-08T10:01:00.000-07:00

Just ran

2.5 mi 23 minutes.

Scared of Lonely by Beyonce and Migrate by Mariah Carey -- great songs to run to.

Ankles were burning up -- but I trucked through it. Wore the Nike Pegasus -- gonna stick to Shox for running.

Day 7

2009-05-06T20:46:00.000-07:00

today was emotional and heavy.
drank too much coffee.. I just felt you know for like 30 minutes I was having a panic attack. Coffee is one of those moderation rules.... moderation moderation moderation.

then my father calls and is bitching to me. details not important. I fucked up. but his belligerence to me switched me into full bitch mode. To think of how he fucked up and for him to come at me with some hypocritical shit -- i dunno sometimes small things that seem to be only about the here and the now- actually have been waiting to come up from 20 years ago. Needless to say - I was pissed.
I was so mean to my coworkers today... they all get the jokes cuz they get me and we all give it to each other... but I was saying some really gross things to one of them cuz I know she gets embarrased and I was just being bitchy cuz I wanted to and being kind of a basket case.
i didn't take care of responsibility today but I made it to the gym late at night at 9 oclock. Hate working out this late. Its so unyielding. The entire day's fuck ups and assholes and uncomfortable feelings and incidents are on your shoulders. Even if you had what felt like a good day - there are still the things you carry with you day to day weighing you down. Its hard to go through a whole routine and be on point and not feel that emotionally.

I did

4 set superset
bench press (95lbs) (12-12-12-10)
dumbell squat (bi lateral 2olbs) (12-12-12-10)

4 set superset
supine pull up (15-12-12-12)
lunge (15lbs 1st set) (10-10-10-10) (done for reps one leg at a time)

3 set super set
decline push up (feet on bench) 15-12-12-12
pull up (2 close one wide grip) 6-4-4

3 set triset
30sec. plank
10 squat thrusts
10 bicycles

I was dripping buckets. i felt like i needed to burp so bad. It doesn't seem like all that should knock you out - but it did.

I took my time and had pretty perfect form the whole time. I didn't lift too heavy or go too fast or go to slow. I timed every break between 30 seconds to 1:30 and never went past that.
I noticed a lot of the other guys at the gym look at me - themselves each other. This gym is very male oriented. Gyms I've been to usually have about 10 guys to every girl -- but some had like 3 guys to a girl but this gym has like 50 guys to 1 girl. its a meat head gym. every one is pumping hard and doing the whole lets get swole up. I get flashbacks of grade school when most all the guys picked on me for being the wonderful fagget that I was and am-- back then it didn't feel wonderful -- and I still get uncomfortable around all that testosterone. But I get a strong dose of my own and I know in my head that my knowledge of my body and fitness strength and training is so much more expansive than 98% of the poor suckers and cocky motherfuckers in there. I know I'm busting my ass and they're all walking around trying to figure out what to do next. So I don't mind that they're looking at me funny like i'm some jerk for being smaller than them. And for wearing my shorts a little higher than them- and dancing a little to my music. I get in my own zone and feel it and make the most of it. It was actually a great way to end the day -- feel released.

Music was big tonight.

Whipping Post - Allman Brothers Band
Simple Kind of Life - No Doubt
Crazy - Ray LaMontagne
Aint No Other Man - Christina Aguilera
Tusk - Fleetwood Mac
You Are the Circus I Am the Clown - have no idea the real title or artist
Good Times (I Get High) - Styles P
Start Me Up - Rolling Stones
How Much I Like It - Rihanna
The One (So So def remix) Mariah Carey
Makes Me Wanna Pray - Christina Aguilera
Lets Stay Together - Tina Turner live in Amsterdam
Here I Come - Fergie
You Got What You Wanted - Tina Turner

Day 5

2009-05-04T07:41:00.000-07:00

I want it to happen right away -- that is, everything.

ok so this morning was supposed to be bootcamp. I woke up at 5:45 in his bed -- was sooo nice spending Sunday with him and of course the sex was top notch. Sucks that I didn't get much sleep but I was encouraged to get up and start the day and work out.

I get outside and its raining. Class is cancelled. I was almost tempted to go back upstairs but I said fuck it - go home get ready for work and get to the gym before hand. I commited to working out - so what that it wasn't bootcamp class.

workout consisted of:

4 set Superset

B.O.R 90lbs (bent over row) w/bar (10-10-8-6)

RDL 90lbs (romanian dead lift) w/bar (12-10-10- 8)

4 set Superset:

Incline Bench press (2 sets 90lbs - 1 set 80lbs) (12-10-8- 6)

dumbell squats 2olbs (12-12-12-10)

4 set Superset:

stationary lunges 15lbs dumbells (12-12-12-12)

pull up (close underhand grip) (6-6-4-4)

1 mile run 8:42

the run was tough --- I wanted to give up at the half mile but then Tina Turner - Simply the Best came on the Ipod and really pushed me through.

I always have this great shakey feeling at the end of a work out. my heart is pounding my knees are shaking. I'm dripping sweat. It's very close to sex.

The combination of a renewed friendship with him -- and somehow a deeper intimacy level from him - with my working out has me feeling on top of the world.

Of course I am still the fragile tulip I've always been and am feeling insecure despite having no good reason to. Here's to just taking it easy on myself and forgiving myself for wanting to text him 800 times right now and tell him how much I love him -- just because I want to doesn't mean I have to or that I should. I don't have to plan a wedding today -- I only have to be happy and be happy he's in my life someway.

more tomorrow.

Day 3

2009-05-02T13:21:00.000-07:00

Kettle bell swing (30)

5 sets pushup/pullup varying grip
3 super- sets bench dum press/lateral dum row
3 super- sets incline bench dum press/bi lateral b.o.r dumbell

1 mile run 9:12

Did this after teaching bootcamp and went into the city to meet Cher at her studio. Love working out in a fully equipped yet private space. Allows the room to contemplate my own private studio.

Running was tough! But so worth it - tomorrow is rest and back to it on Monday

Day 2

2009-05-01T20:14:00.000-07:00

3 miles 28:40

Ran mile 1 in under 8:40... forget exact to the second but between 8:20 and 8:40 then walked uphill until I got to the 15:00 mark and then ran whole way to 3 miles finishing 1 minute 20 seconds under a half an hour.

Felt really great to finish -- was tough around 16 - 22 minutes... my right ankle was feeling it a lot. Think it was my casual yacht shoes I wore at work all day. Very flat and not supportive. Maybe should wear running sneakers all day on running days.

Music:
Hero of the Day- Metallica
Baby Hold on to Me - Eddie Money
SexyBack - Justin Timberlake
How Much I Like It - Rihanna
All I Want for Christmas is You (SoSo Def Remix) - Mariah Carey (i'm gonna remove this from the jogging playlist - just doesn't work for jogging as brilliant as it is)
Enter Sandman - Metallica (perfect)
Out of Our Heads - Sheryl Crow (another perfect one)
Beat Goes On - Madonna (also perfect)

Day 1

2009-04-30T15:45:00.000-07:00

3 miles
25:00

mile 1 - 8:40
break 1 minute stretch
mile 2 - 8:22
break 1 minute stretch
mile 3 - 7:58

breatheeeeeeeeeeeee

first 4 minutes jog 6.5 mph
60 second sprint at 8.3
2 minute jog 6.4
60 second sprint 8.5
finish out mile at 6.5

mile 2
2 minutes jog 6.5
60 second sprint 8.8
2 minutes jog 6.5
90 second sprint 8.5

mile 3
2 minute jog 7.0
60 second sprint 9.0
30 second jog 6.1
1:30 jog 7.0
2 minute sprint 8.5
finish out mile 7.0

MUSIC
Runaway - Bonnie Raitt
Welcome to the Jungle - Guns n Roses
Aint No Other Man - Christina Aguilera
Sweet Child O' Mine - Guns n Roses
If U Seek Amy - Britney Spears
The Best - Tina Turner
Halo - Beyonce
Whippin My Hair - Rihanna
Sweet Child O' Mine - Sheryl Crow
Hero of the Day - Metallica

2009-03-10T20:34:00.000-07:00

i have no life

buns
u check out ur buns
after u've been in mine
perky from the work you did
before you see i'm fine

its not ur fault its me
its not the guy you are.
to touch the one who loves ya
and thank your lucky stars.

for the best one u have
u treat me most unfair
to be the best one I have seen
i can't wash you out my hair

2009-03-04T20:43:00.001-08:00

i want to tell you
all of how my day was
and sing you songs
all of how my love was
wrapped up in thoughts of you
tenderly trying to get to you
and hope they'd reach your eyes
and tell u
what i'm dying to tell you.
no matter the other boys
i talk with and enjoy
their sweet kisses and company
its to you I say goodnight
and run my hands along
the space where u should lay
if only in my dreams
that we could stay this way...

new poem

2009-03-03T13:36:00.001-08:00

They say u get what u give
I say that's not always true
There are those that give
And then there is you
U reap what you sow
And u are what you eat
This must explain
Why I feel like an ass
Groveling at your feet.
I fooled my heart and soul
Into a million parts
Broke down around your smile
as the target of ur darts.
Its casual what you want
And casual what you got
Its everything I have
Formed into a weighted clot
I've given everything I am
And wanted nothing in return
Except ur eyes to sparkle
And a flame forever to burn.
The suns have risen and lit
Our every wayward path
I wish we could walk together
instead of in this wrath

happens every time

2009-03-01T11:14:00.000-08:00

i'm letting myself get to me.

no cigarettes. no ---d. no love. no photos.
no peace. no clean. no body. no joy. no smile.
I can fall so hard in love. And settle for his fist.
my youth is escaping me.
My talent is simmering to a vegetable.
I've locked myself away. afraid of excitement.
afraid of living.

i got stirred up this morning

2009-02-26T21:16:00.001-08:00

how do i love thee
let me count the ways
neither here nor there
or in any kind of phase

but i should mention this
be it no such present state
of heart or unyielding mind
could manage to hinder fate.

the ground could swell and sway
and shake me most unsteady
but i would remain fixed
until your heart was ready

2009-02-26T12:18:00.001-08:00

freedom of the state
freedom of the man
the abolished king
the triumphed worker
freedom of the body
freedom of sex
freedom of purpose
freedom from religion
freedom from Jesus Christ
freedom from fear
freedom to love
freedom to celebrate the body, its sexual purpose, and expose oneself externally

LETS DO IT

2009-02-26T10:55:00.001-08:00

I am exposing my soft torso with a goal in mind that I have to hold myself accountable to get back to the gym and really do the damn thing.

Update once a month.

2009-02-21T08:17:00.000-08:00

So I'm about to go on a non-date date.

It's just a meeting. We're going to look at art and maybe have a few laughs and a decent conversation.

But it still sucks cuz I'm wondering what he did last night. He wasn't online at all last night which means he was OUT of the house on a Friday night doing god knows what and could be nuzzled in their arms right now. It drives me crazy and I need to think about something else.

2009-02-18T10:49:00.000-08:00

I know that you do miss me
and you do think of me.

and maybe you aren't enjoying other dicks.

but I am vowing to be celibate today.

Sex always confuses and ruins things. I need to know what its like to be emotionally present with myself and with another person WITHOUT having sex.

it's only day one, so I am feeling very confident. We'll see what happens.

2009-02-16T17:18:00.000-08:00

I am trying to see how not wanting me - has nothing to do with me. It's hard. Hard to not take it personal.

If it's me you miss.

Why are you doing all that you did with others?

How can I believe that it's bullshit?

I don't. I think you are smiling and enjoying sucking their dicks and kissing their lips.

You aren't thinking of me.

But I'm thinking of you.

2009-02-15T11:34:00.000-08:00

2:28pmPatrick

omg girl

i just read your blog

if you were a drag queen

your name with be introspectia

2:28pmCarlos

LMAO

2009-02-15T11:13:00.000-08:00

Am I getting conservative?

2009-02-15T10:39:00.001-08:00

Rapper M.I.A had her baby and posted this on her myspace:

"HAPPY VALENTINES!

SUNDAY NITE I CA M E HOME FROM THE GRAMMY'S STILL IN THE MOOD TO PARTY , I COUDA EASILY GONE OUT BUT I WENT HOME INSEAD , LUCKY I DID!! COZ MY EARLY STAGE LABOUR KICKED IN AROUND 2 AM .

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Vfndz8pW9WY

MY BABY WAS BORN WEDNESDAY , HE IS HEALTHY , FINE , BEAUTIFUL AND THE MOST AMZING THING EVER ON THIS PLANET, OF COURSE IM HIS MUM!!!

ME AND BABY ARE PUTTING OUR TOUR DATES FOR 2010 TOGETHER
AND MAKING MIX TAPES
AND FIGURING OUT A WAY TO BREAK OUT OF THE HOSPITAL !

HOPEFULLY THE WORLD IS BEEN TICKING ALONG AND I AINT MISSED MUCH!

C U SOON ,

AND MY BABY BOY SAYZ HIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIII!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! "

I just wonder about what that must be like. I think its adorable that she says me and baby are making mixtapes putting together tour dates.

but I wonder what's ultimately going to happen to that kid. Is it unethical to have a kid and be a jet setting rock star? What's the kid's gauge of stability going to be?

His emotional development is going to be affected. Maybe if he's loved enough and taught that you should be kind to people, that'll be fine and whatever maladaptive social behaviors he has will just be accepted. Its not like rudeness and bad taste are limited to rock stars.

A person's sense of self and emotional well being is developed over time and with experience. The brain will act to protect a person from painful events. Leaving your brain to make sense of an experience without having had the emotional cognizance to fully allow your self to make peace with it, sets a tragic precedent onto a young person.

I'm just wondering what kind of drug addict or power crazed megalomaniacs or nymphos these kids are going to turn out to be. But then again, M.I.A isn't touring till 2010 and it seems like she's retreating and will just be taking care of the baby for now. The majority of the world's crazy people came from regular households anyway right?

I'm pretty sure that bad parents are responsible for all the world's problems. Even the greedy bastards on wall street - I blame their moms and dads.

not fair-

2009-02-15T10:02:00.000-08:00

When I wanted to be left alone - I wasn't.

and now he wants to be left alone and I don't know what to do with myself.

mercy on me

2009-02-14T11:36:00.000-08:00

I was told today that I never got the chance to develop my own self and looked for emotional experiences outside of myself.

it's where I thrived most - felt alive. Even if people were screaming and annoyed at each other - at least it was real. and at least we could say we got through it.

i'm getting a tattoo today that will read I have fought, and conquered. again its about the journey. It's ironic. I will fight and I will conquer. I don't think I have yet all the way.

Heres some lyrics from Christina Aguilera

Lord have mercy on my soul
For I have walked a sinful road
and that I'm down on my knees
Lord have mercy on me, please

Ohh yeah

Jesus, I must confess
That in all my loneliness
I've forsaken and I've sinned
Leaving fragments of a man so broken

I could tell you what I've done
Or should I tell you where I went wrong?

Well the more that I start to play
My deceitful, evil ways
Keep on growing stronger by the day

Oh lord have mercy on my soul
For I have walked a sinful road
So I'm gonna get down on my knees
Beg forgiveness to help set me free
Lord have mercy on me, please

Mother Mary full of grace
In my weakness, I've lost faith
I've been careless, and I have been warned
And the devil inside me is torn
God bless the men that I have scorned

Oh lord have mercy on my soul
For I have walked the sinful road
So I'm gonna get down on my knees
Beg forgiveness to help set me free
Lord have mercy on me, please

Woah, woaa yeah yeah
Woa yeah yeah oh oh
Oh-oh yeah yeah yeah, ohh

So don't let me fool around no more
Send your angels down to guide me through that door
Well I've gone and confessed my regrets
And I pray I'm not held in contempt
I'm so lost, and I need you to help me repent

Oh lord have mercy on my soul
Oh I'm begging, I'm pleading, I'm needing
I want you to know
So I'm down upon my knees
Oh lord, I need forgiveness
I need forgiveness from you

seeds of pain from the past

2009-02-13T08:02:00.000-08:00

I realised that all my major relationships have been an obsession of breaking up-to make up.

My parents split up when I was 8 and spent the next 6 years fighting with each other until they finally divorced when I was 14. My father remarried RIGHT AWAY and had a baby the next year. His life got tied up in a little bow with a new family, and I had to pick up the pieces of what was left of mine - all by myself.

Fast forward 20 years to my pseudo adulthood and I'm now approaching 28 and have had 4 serious relationships that all ended in dysfunction and anger.

I realised just now that I'm obsessed with the idea of "making up". I have found men in my life that might now be the right ones for me- or at least it seems they may not be right for me, despite a strong connection, deep passion, and on the surface relative compatibility.
I fell deeply in love with all of them and slowly, and subconsciously, perpetuated a break up with all of them. I did things to fuck up and make them break up with me and then beg for their forgiveness. . I sort of get off on the idea that if things can be so awful, but the love is strong enough to go back and "make it work".

Instead of just choosing the right people and making it work with them, I've stuck it out for better or worse with the wrong people - in an effort to not be my parents. In my mind - they QUIT. I don't want to be a quitter.

I remember I quit choir in the 7th grade so that I could be in the Theatre group instead. My choir teacher - Miss Klemp - told me that quitting will set a precedent for the rest of my life. Jobs, friends, and she even said - people who quit, get divorced. I was so hurt by this - but its become a self fulfilling prophesy now. I'm the ultimate quitter. I've quit school, I've quit all my jobs - or forced my bosses to fire me - The only thing I don't quit is relationships.

I used to think I knew why I picked the men I do - cuz I'm attracted to guys like my father - unavailable.

But now I realise that I'm looking for the wrong people, and sticking around and settling for them because of both of my parents. I've taken it upon myself to make up for THEIR bad marriage. For THEIR mistakes. Its ridiculous. and it's got to stop.

Maybe the last guy- where things are still slightly unresolved - can be someone more than just a mistake and a toxic relationship - but nothing will happen with him again if I keep trying to break up and make up with him. He can't take it. I can't take it.

I've spent the last few months trying to force a commitment out of him. He would never make one, and I would settle for friends with benefits, and then break it off because it was "too much"for me. But I liked the drama of being mad at him for not committing to me and then telling him to leave me alone yet holding it over his head that I loved him tremendously and he would always come back saying how much he missed me. The cycle would start again where I shut him out - he came back because he missed me, and then I became overly needy - subconsciously I always tried to force him into loving me hard and fast and he always freaked out and pulled away and I would be "devastated" again - but secretly - I liked it because it makes me feel alive.
We were broken up. I was fine - But he came back with the I MISS YOU's ... I let him back in and eventually I asked to see him. we had sex - and then I became unhinged again.

I looked in his phone - something I've never done -- and found that he was talking to other guys. What did I expect? Why did I expect him to ONLY be talking to me? Why did I think I had the right to even know? The bottom line is I did it because subconsciously, I wanted to expose him somehow - or expose myself - or put an end to this madness. I needed something to be angry at him for - something to guilt him for. A reason for myself not to stay there in his apartment... because I knew things weren't going to change and for a whole year, I kept hoping for that change, and from what he told me point blank, "i dont want you to think we're rekindling something", to what I felt in my gut, that i loved him much too much and if I kept this going I would get seriously hurt. I looked in his phone to just give me an excuse to leave ... again, something again for us to "get over".

Except this time, he's really mad at me, and not speaking to me. For real this time. It was a serious violation of his privacy - and an indication of everything he did not love about me - despite missing me as much as I believe he did.

I'm terribly sorry I messed this up for myself again. At least I'm realising what exactly I did and won't do it again.

I hope he can forgive me for it. I'm forgiving myself. All I know is that this is all a learning experience and was supposed to happen to me and to him.

he said once that our love can get through anything... I tend to believe him.

a thought occured

2009-02-10T20:08:00.000-08:00

Life is a series of moments leading up to, or in the aftermath of a singular event, that while the burden of time burns the insignificant, this event is preserved and seared in our minds to either delight or torture us.

ache

2009-02-10T10:53:00.000-08:00

i'm trying to make sense of the shivers in my skin
to obsess about the longing in my heart
is to live and breathe and be alive.
the longing in my heart is the only heart i've known.

no amount of anything has measured up
to the weight of loss
i've felt my whole life.

i'm heavy.

Charmants.com

2009-02-09T09:00:00.001-08:00

I was photographed by Ignacio Lozano Blasco for Charmants.com

check it out...

http://www.charmants.com/2009/02/08/ignacio-lozano-and-jeremy-kost-shooting-east-and-west/

2009-02-08T21:24:00.000-08:00

this was taken years ago. a simple portrait. I hold a lot of hope in this pose.

2009-02-08T13:03:00.000-08:00

I'm doing this to express my creativity without offending my mother on facebook.
I've realised that a stream of consciousness is more effective in determining my true goal than belabouring the point with ideas and possibilities.
I've been obsessed with not living up to the standards that I think have been set for me. I wonder if I'm truly beautiful. Truly smart. And truly talented. I am interested to see if I can really change who I am.
Who I am has been an hindrance to me my whole life. The idea that I could possibly reinvent myself. Be someone I was never supposed to be. To be able to change from within, and then have an effect on the world around me is what I've always wanted. I've been focusing however on changing the outside. I will be posting some photos of myself at my most unfit and out of shape. As the program I will develop to change my body takes place, I will be posting more photos documenting my progress.

but right now -- these are all empty promises. I am sitting in my bed, filling my lungs up, and wishing for a different life. The biggest hurdle for this blog -- is to live up to the title.
Advancements in Perfection

: ad·vance·ment
Pronunciation:: \əd-ˈvan(t)-smənt\
Function:: noun
Date:: 1553

1: the action of advancing : the state of being advanced: a: promotion or elevation to a higher rank or position b: progression to a higher stage of development
2: an improved feature : improvement

A higher stage of developing my own perfection. My title suggests that this is about the JOURNEY not the destination. and today -- the journey is slow going.

real quick

being perfect to me is

being happy in my own skin for everything I am and being proud of what I am.

(I can say that I already feel this way)

being in control of my own mental illnesses

(this isn't the case, and it makes the first attribute of perfection null and void, despite actually being grounded in happiness and self love - I know how to trick myself into thinking the opposite)

confident,
savvy,
funny,
talented,
cool,
generous,
a leader,
creative,
empathetic,
caring,
and sexy.

I'd like to be rid of the need for validation. I would be so much more of the above attributes, if I didn't need people outside of me to validate what I already know I am.

I'd like to be stronger. Leaner. Less fat. More in control of what I ate. How my body is managed and maintained.

Here's to seeing how far I'll take things.

Test

2009-02-01T06:34:00.000-08:00

Test Blog