fuck you...

what am I doing?
rather than sit in class, I've come to ignore my responsibilities and of course... i can't even finish this sentence.

I couldn't finish college (still at that one)
couldn't make it as a photographer - and yet idiots with a point and shoot, no money, no connections, can move to NYC and get work...
i couldn't make it in LA
couldn't make it as a personal trainer
can't even personally train myself to get a six pack.
i can't keep a man.
i can't keep a job.
i can't keep my bathroom clean.

i'm a useless sap of nothing going nowhere and feeling the emptiness of everything.

the emptiness of everything. Everything is all over and inside and out of everything you see. everything is inside and out of everything you can't see. Its every piece of matter and every piece of space in between all the matter. And I only feel the emptiness in all of it. nothing is there. none of it matters...i'm not really here either.

Day 543

I have been SO unmotivated and UNfocused. its not even cute anymore... I'm ready to be committed.... to they psych ward... Every time I sit down to write something, or do homework, or work out, or clean my room, or eat a healthy meal; I am paralyzed by fear and this unyielding...

did it again - i stopped writing that too tinker with an always update-able iTunes playlist of Christmas music. Its not even double digits November and I'm focusing on making the perfect Christmas playlist.

I wish I had a family of my own. My own home and my own children and people would come over and it would a warm place of love and good times. - which is why i value Christmas so much. Its a time to be thankful for the family I do have - even tho its not perfect - filled with resentments and many things are unsaid - its still my family and I'm glad to have it. So for christmas, I like to provide the music that fills the house and puts at least ME in a good mood... I duno christmas is important to me for those reasons...

mostly i've just been able to shake this unrelenting sense of "DO ABSOLUTELY NOTHING"

its like a mantra going off in my mind while my world around chips away piece by piece... failure by failure.

quitter

Day 458

Ary Nunez SHOWTIME: LOVES! LET'S BE RESPONSIBLE AND GRATEFUL TO OUR GODLIKE QUALITIES. ADVERSITIES ARE THE EXERCISE TO LIGHTNESS AND THE GREATNESS THIS LIFETIME WARRANTS WILL UNFOLD AS MIRACLES WELL DESERVED


Today I joined Krank Systems owned by Pete Isip

heres a link to his website


and two videos showcasing some of the disgusting vile things he makes people do.







today I had a resistance band wrapped around my ankles limiting my mobility and i had to take 20 steps forward and backward and 20 steps to the right and 20 steps to the left and then do it twice.

UM sounds so easy right.


My ass muscles, and I call them muscles not just my ass because I felt every last one of them, were experiencing a pain never so bizarre and wretched as experienced today. This is coming from a guy who is gay and has had solid, big and oddly shaped foreign objects - mostly penises but still - inserted INSIDE his anal cavity... And this hurt more.


okay thats a gross joke but it had to be said.

if that weren't enough I went through a series of squats and lunges and some push ups and crunches and then more squats and more push ups and more lunges. i then hung from suspension bands and pulled myself up... i'm too flummoxed to try to figure out the proper verbiage for this exercise. It was horrible. I told myself I couldn't do it... and then i remember when my father told me "ya know me an your mom are probably going to get divorced and i'm probably going to marry (his then girlfriend, who i'm not naming)" I said "yeah" and then he asked "do you think she's pretty". I wanted to jump out of the car at 75 miles an hour. I was so angry. Why the fuck did he want to know if I thought she was pretty? I didn't care if she was Cindy Crawford, she's not prettier than my mom and I wanted them to stay together.


so in the middle of me pulling myself up in the hell that is this wretched exercise - i'm thinking about this - something came over me and I said - Carlos, you got through that - you can get through this. And I finished the set and didn't give up. I paced myself and breathed through it and did it.




and then I went to the bathroom and threw up.



LMAO

hear my heartbeat

and i think somewhere in between palisades park and paterson i realised he was digging me
lol
and i as time is going on realizing that im starting to really dig him
and blah blah it wasn't a real date
it was just a hang out thing
but it was unexpected
ah ok. i get it now
well you had a cute little moment
you gonna follow up?
or did he?
he hasn't!!!!
lol
we talked after we got home over text and thru IM
:/
that's a good enough follow up
yeah but he hasn't yet so far today
lol
any kinda communication counts
well its still kinda early
as long as a week doesn't go by
true
a WEEK!?!?!?!!?
oh no
i think thats rude
it is
but i was exaggerating
anything more than 24 hours is rude
aw i feel the same
when it comes to lovey dovey
not friend stuff
i'll ignore an annoying bitch
but then i'll feel sorry for them
cause im a softie
nah it can't be lovey dovey
but i feel like when its established that you like someone u should just be in touch i guess
what a crazy world we live in and the rules i make up in my own head....

There was a time when love grew in silence over months without a word from your loved one. Separated by miles or weather or war and without the scent or sound or words of your loved one, just the memory of what's burning up inside.


and besides - wouldn't those people be annoyed if they ended up having to be in constant communication with their loves?