Day 293

40 days have gone by.

and I did not think of what I gave up for lent. I think this is because LOL

sigh
eyes shift
hear a noise

scrunch up toes
close eyes
write
write
delete


i thought of it for sure. I probably thought of it the most when I was stuffing my face with bread and butter - the object of my lenten vow to abstain. I couldn't hear the promise I made to an imaginary God. The promise to not consume bread and butter, and to foolishly scoff that it would be an appropriate and feasible behavior. I feel like God and those who are faithful (rolling eyes) get a good chuckle over my attempt to mock something thats been around longer than I could ever bare. But here I am - doing such. I thought of bread and butter and what it meant to me. the crunch of the toast and butter gliding across every fiber of bread hitting my back teeth and gums awakening every sensory nerve attached to comfort and peace.
I thought of bread and butter in the in between moments of regret from, and anticipation to, ultimatley eating again -- bread and butter. Whether fresh from the oven or cooled by the warm breeze and cracked on the outside, with its gooey center still melting in your mouth, salted room temperature butter


I don't really want to resign myself to write about butter right now. I'm supposed to be channeling my train of thought to reveal something important or powerful that I can use to get me the fuck out of my own head. How is that I am going to accopmlish that .... get out of my own head by compartmentalizing and dissecting each thought process that I have and basically staying in my head.

but bread is good. its better with butter. and i chose to not eat bread and butter together at all during lent. turns out I didn't eat it about 1/3 of the time - the rest of the time - basking in the magical glow of simultaneous bliss and guilt --

And today - I was compelled to come to this vague and often underused and almost sarcastically thought of blog of mine and write anything. I counted the days since I last was on as I have been doing, and it has been 40 days.

I have to go look it up but...yep I was right - Ash Wed was Feb 17 - so today is the 39th day. I already ate bread and butter today with an egg over as easy as a whore on tina.

1/3 of the time actually proves to be somewhat of a success - but who am I kidding - I see this promise to God and promise to my psyche to try to figure it all out and be good and faithful without ever wanting to give up, I see this promise, and I see it as insurmountable more than I had given myself credit for.


Why today and not once in any of the 40 days had I not written here?


Someone else who's written is going to have to help me now cuz I can not sit here and figure any other stuff out ...




music:
none