how do i love thee
let me count the ways
neither here nor there
or in any kind of phase

but i should mention this
be it no such present state
of heart or unyielding mind
could manage to hinder fate.

the ground could swell and sway
and shake me most unsteady
but i would remain fixed
until your heart was ready

freedom of the state
freedom of the man
the abolished king
the triumphed worker
freedom of the body
freedom of sex
freedom of purpose
freedom from religion
freedom from Jesus Christ
freedom from fear
freedom to love
freedom to celebrate the body, its sexual purpose, and expose oneself externally

LETS DO IT

I am exposing my soft torso with a goal in mind that I have to hold myself accountable to get back to the gym and really do the damn thing.

Update once a month.

So I'm about to go on a non-date date.

It's just a meeting. We're going to look at art and maybe have a few laughs and a decent conversation.


But it still sucks cuz I'm wondering what he did last night. He wasn't online at all last night which means he was OUT of the house on a Friday night doing god knows what and could be nuzzled in their arms right now. It drives me crazy and I need to think about something else.

I know that you do miss me
and you do think of me.

and maybe you aren't enjoying other dicks.


but I am vowing to be celibate today.



Sex always confuses and ruins things. I need to know what its like to be emotionally present with myself and with another person WITHOUT having sex.


it's only day one, so I am feeling very confident. We'll see what happens.

I am trying to see how not wanting me - has nothing to do with me. It's hard. Hard to not take it personal.

If it's me you miss.

Why are you doing all that you did with others?


How can I believe that it's bullshit?


I don't. I think you are smiling and enjoying sucking their dicks and kissing their lips.

You aren't thinking of me.


But I'm thinking of you.

Couldn't retrieve chat history

2:28pmPatrick

omg girl

i just read your blog

if you were a drag queen

your name with be introspectia

2:28pmCarlos

LMAO

Am I getting conservative?

Rapper M.I.A had her baby and posted this on her myspace:

"HAPPY VALENTINES!

SUNDAY NITE I CA M E HOME FROM THE GRAMMY'S STILL IN THE MOOD TO PARTY , I COUDA EASILY GONE OUT BUT I WENT HOME INSEAD , LUCKY I DID!! COZ MY EARLY STAGE LABOUR KICKED IN AROUND 2 AM .

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Vfndz8pW9WY

MY BABY WAS BORN WEDNESDAY , HE IS HEALTHY , FINE , BEAUTIFUL AND THE MOST AMZING THING EVER ON THIS PLANET, OF COURSE IM HIS MUM!!!

ME AND BABY ARE PUTTING OUR TOUR DATES FOR 2010 TOGETHER
AND MAKING MIX TAPES
AND FIGURING OUT A WAY TO BREAK OUT OF THE HOSPITAL !

HOPEFULLY THE WORLD IS BEEN TICKING ALONG AND I AINT MISSED MUCH!

C U SOON ,

AND MY BABY BOY SAYZ HIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIII!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! "

I just wonder about what that must be like. I think its adorable that she says me and baby are making mixtapes putting together tour dates.

but I wonder what's ultimately going to happen to that kid. Is it unethical to have a kid and be a jet setting rock star? What's the kid's gauge of stability going to be?

His emotional development is going to be affected. Maybe if he's loved enough and taught that you should be kind to people, that'll be fine and whatever maladaptive social behaviors he has will just be accepted. Its not like rudeness and bad taste are limited to rock stars.

A person's sense of self and emotional well being is developed over time and with experience. The brain will act to protect a person from painful events. Leaving your brain to make sense of an experience without having had the emotional cognizance to fully allow your self to make peace with it, sets a tragic precedent onto a young person.

I'm just wondering what kind of drug addict or power crazed megalomaniacs or nymphos these kids are going to turn out to be. But then again, M.I.A isn't touring till 2010 and it seems like she's retreating and will just be taking care of the baby for now. The majority of the world's crazy people came from regular households anyway right?


I'm pretty sure that bad parents are responsible for all the world's problems. Even the greedy bastards on wall street - I blame their moms and dads.

not fair-

When I wanted to be left alone - I wasn't.

and now he wants to be left alone and I don't know what to do with myself.

mercy on me

I was told today that I never got the chance to develop my own self and looked for emotional experiences outside of myself.

it's where I thrived most - felt alive. Even if people were screaming and annoyed at each other - at least it was real. and at least we could say we got through it.

i'm getting a tattoo today that will read I have fought, and conquered. again its about the journey. It's ironic. I will fight and I will conquer. I don't think I have yet all the way.

Heres some lyrics from Christina Aguilera


Lord have mercy on my soul
For I have walked a sinful road
and that I'm down on my knees
Lord have mercy on me, please

Ohh yeah

Jesus, I must confess
That in all my loneliness
I've forsaken and I've sinned
Leaving fragments of a man so broken

I could tell you what I've done
Or should I tell you where I went wrong?

Well the more that I start to play
My deceitful, evil ways
Keep on growing stronger by the day

Oh lord have mercy on my soul
For I have walked a sinful road
So I'm gonna get down on my knees
Beg forgiveness to help set me free
Lord have mercy on me, please

Mother Mary full of grace
In my weakness, I've lost faith
I've been careless, and I have been warned
And the devil inside me is torn
God bless the men that I have scorned

Oh lord have mercy on my soul
For I have walked the sinful road
So I'm gonna get down on my knees
Beg forgiveness to help set me free
Lord have mercy on me, please

Woah, woaa yeah yeah
Woa yeah yeah oh oh
Oh-oh yeah yeah yeah, ohh

So don't let me fool around no more
Send your angels down to guide me through that door
Well I've gone and confessed my regrets
And I pray I'm not held in contempt
I'm so lost, and I need you to help me repent

Oh lord have mercy on my soul
Oh I'm begging, I'm pleading, I'm needing
I want you to know
So I'm down upon my knees
Oh lord, I need forgiveness
I need forgiveness from you

seeds of pain from the past

I realised that all my major relationships have been an obsession of breaking up-to make up.

My parents split up when I was 8 and spent the next 6 years fighting with each other until they finally divorced when I was 14. My father remarried RIGHT AWAY and had a baby the next year. His life got tied up in a little bow with a new family, and I had to pick up the pieces of what was left of mine - all by myself.

Fast forward 20 years to my pseudo adulthood and I'm now approaching 28 and have had 4 serious relationships that all ended in dysfunction and anger.

I realised just now that I'm obsessed with the idea of "making up". I have found men in my life that might now be the right ones for me- or at least it seems they may not be right for me, despite a strong connection, deep passion, and on the surface relative compatibility.
I fell deeply in love with all of them and slowly, and subconsciously, perpetuated a break up with all of them. I did things to fuck up and make them break up with me and then beg for their forgiveness. . I sort of get off on the idea that if things can be so awful, but the love is strong enough to go back and "make it work".

Instead of just choosing the right people and making it work with them, I've stuck it out for better or worse with the wrong people - in an effort to not be my parents. In my mind - they QUIT. I don't want to be a quitter.

I remember I quit choir in the 7th grade so that I could be in the Theatre group instead. My choir teacher - Miss Klemp - told me that quitting will set a precedent for the rest of my life. Jobs, friends, and she even said - people who quit, get divorced. I was so hurt by this - but its become a self fulfilling prophesy now. I'm the ultimate quitter. I've quit school, I've quit all my jobs - or forced my bosses to fire me - The only thing I don't quit is relationships.

I used to think I knew why I picked the men I do - cuz I'm attracted to guys like my father - unavailable.

But now I realise that I'm looking for the wrong people, and sticking around and settling for them because of both of my parents. I've taken it upon myself to make up for THEIR bad marriage. For THEIR mistakes. Its ridiculous. and it's got to stop.

Maybe the last guy- where things are still slightly unresolved - can be someone more than just a mistake and a toxic relationship - but nothing will happen with him again if I keep trying to break up and make up with him. He can't take it. I can't take it.

I've spent the last few months trying to force a commitment out of him. He would never make one, and I would settle for friends with benefits, and then break it off because it was "too much"for me. But I liked the drama of being mad at him for not committing to me and then telling him to leave me alone yet holding it over his head that I loved him tremendously and he would always come back saying how much he missed me. The cycle would start again where I shut him out - he came back because he missed me, and then I became overly needy - subconsciously I always tried to force him into loving me hard and fast and he always freaked out and pulled away and I would be "devastated" again - but secretly - I liked it because it makes me feel alive.
We were broken up. I was fine - But he came back with the I MISS YOU's ... I let him back in and eventually I asked to see him. we had sex - and then I became unhinged again.

I looked in his phone - something I've never done -- and found that he was talking to other guys. What did I expect? Why did I expect him to ONLY be talking to me? Why did I think I had the right to even know? The bottom line is I did it because subconsciously, I wanted to expose him somehow - or expose myself - or put an end to this madness. I needed something to be angry at him for - something to guilt him for. A reason for myself not to stay there in his apartment... because I knew things weren't going to change and for a whole year, I kept hoping for that change, and from what he told me point blank, "i dont want you to think we're rekindling something", to what I felt in my gut, that i loved him much too much and if I kept this going I would get seriously hurt. I looked in his phone to just give me an excuse to leave ... again, something again for us to "get over".

Except this time, he's really mad at me, and not speaking to me. For real this time. It was a serious violation of his privacy - and an indication of everything he did not love about me - despite missing me as much as I believe he did.

I'm terribly sorry I messed this up for myself again. At least I'm realising what exactly I did and won't do it again.


I hope he can forgive me for it. I'm forgiving myself. All I know is that this is all a learning experience and was supposed to happen to me and to him.




he said once that our love can get through anything... I tend to believe him.

a thought occured

Life is a series of moments leading up to, or in the aftermath of a singular event, that while the burden of time burns the insignificant, this event is preserved and seared in our minds to either delight or torture us.

ache

i'm trying to make sense of the shivers in my skin
to obsess about the longing in my heart
is to live and breathe and be alive.
the longing in my heart is the only heart i've known.

no amount of anything has measured up
to the weight of loss
i've felt my whole life.


i'm heavy.

Charmants.com

I was photographed by Ignacio Lozano Blasco for Charmants.com

check it out...

http://www.charmants.com/2009/02/08/ignacio-lozano-and-jeremy-kost-shooting-east-and-west/

this was taken years ago. a simple portrait. I hold a lot of hope in this pose.

I'm doing this to express my creativity without offending my mother on facebook.
I've realised that a stream of consciousness is more effective in determining my true goal than belabouring the point with ideas and possibilities.
I've been obsessed with not living up to the standards that I think have been set for me. I wonder if I'm truly beautiful. Truly smart. And truly talented. I am interested to see if I can really change who I am.
Who I am has been an hindrance to me my whole life. The idea that I could possibly reinvent myself. Be someone I was never supposed to be. To be able to change from within, and then have an effect on the world around me is what I've always wanted. I've been focusing however on changing the outside. I will be posting some photos of myself at my most unfit and out of shape. As the program I will develop to change my body takes place, I will be posting more photos documenting my progress.

but right now -- these are all empty promises. I am sitting in my bed, filling my lungs up, and wishing for a different life. The biggest hurdle for this blog -- is to live up to the title.
Advancements in Perfection

ad·vance·ment

Pronunciation:

\əd-ˈvan(t)-smənt\

Function:

noun

Date:

1553

1: the action of advancing : the state of being advanced: a: promotion or elevation to a higher rank or position b: progression to a higher stage of development
2: an improved feature : improvement

A higher stage of developing my own perfection. My title suggests that this is about the JOURNEY not the destination. and today -- the journey is slow going.


real quick

being perfect to me is

being happy in my own skin for everything I am and being proud of what I am.

(I can say that I already feel this way)

being in control of my own mental illnesses

(this isn't the case, and it makes the first attribute of perfection null and void, despite actually being grounded in happiness and self love - I know how to trick myself into thinking the opposite)

confident,
savvy,
funny,
talented,
cool,
generous,
a leader,
creative,
empathetic,
caring,
and sexy.

I'd like to be rid of the need for validation. I would be so much more of the above attributes, if I didn't need people outside of me to validate what I already know I am.

I'd like to be stronger. Leaner. Less fat. More in control of what I ate. How my body is managed and maintained.



Here's to seeing how far I'll take things.

Test

Test Blog