what am I doing?
rather than sit in class, I've come to ignore my responsibilities and of course... i can't even finish this sentence.

I couldn't finish college (still at that one)
couldn't make it as a photographer - and yet idiots with a point and shoot, no money, no connections, can move to NYC and get work...
i couldn't make it in LA
couldn't make it as a personal trainer
can't even personally train myself to get a six pack.
i can't keep a man.
i can't keep a job.
i can't keep my bathroom clean.

i'm a useless sap of nothing going nowhere and feeling the emptiness of everything.

the emptiness of everything. Everything is all over and inside and out of everything you see. everything is inside and out of everything you can't see. Its every piece of matter and every piece of space in between all the matter. And I only feel the emptiness in all of it. nothing is there. none of it matters...i'm not really here either.

Day 543

I have been SO unmotivated and UNfocused. its not even cute anymore... I'm ready to be committed.... to they psych ward... Every time I sit down to write something, or do homework, or work out, or clean my room, or eat a healthy meal; I am paralyzed by fear and this unyielding...

did it again - i stopped writing that too tinker with an always update-able iTunes playlist of Christmas music. Its not even double digits November and I'm focusing on making the perfect Christmas playlist.

I wish I had a family of my own. My own home and my own children and people would come over and it would a warm place of love and good times. - which is why i value Christmas so much. Its a time to be thankful for the family I do have - even tho its not perfect - filled with resentments and many things are unsaid - its still my family and I'm glad to have it. So for christmas, I like to provide the music that fills the house and puts at least ME in a good mood... I duno christmas is important to me for those reasons...

mostly i've just been able to shake this unrelenting sense of "DO ABSOLUTELY NOTHING"

its like a mantra going off in my mind while my world around chips away piece by piece... failure by failure.