I have been SO unmotivated and UNfocused. its not even cute anymore... I'm ready to be committed.... to they psych ward... Every time I sit down to write something, or do homework, or work out, or clean my room, or eat a healthy meal; I am paralyzed by fear and this unyielding...
did it again - i stopped writing that too tinker with an always update-able iTunes playlist of Christmas music. Its not even double digits November and I'm focusing on making the perfect Christmas playlist.
I wish I had a family of my own. My own home and my own children and people would come over and it would a warm place of love and good times. - which is why i value Christmas so much. Its a time to be thankful for the family I do have - even tho its not perfect - filled with resentments and many things are unsaid - its still my family and I'm glad to have it. So for christmas, I like to provide the music that fills the house and puts at least ME in a good mood... I duno christmas is important to me for those reasons...
mostly i've just been able to shake this unrelenting sense of "DO ABSOLUTELY NOTHING"
its like a mantra going off in my mind while my world around chips away piece by piece... failure by failure.
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It pains me to hear this. In all reality you have a positive "overall" outlook on life and that's the important thing. Everyone... i mean no one has the perfect family. We all got secrets and it is great that you can recognize reality for what it is, just that. It is beautiful to have such wonderful aspirations and dreams for your life. Those are our goals.
ReplyDeletemore importantly ..
This was beautifully written.