seeds of pain from the past

I realised that all my major relationships have been an obsession of breaking up-to make up.

My parents split up when I was 8 and spent the next 6 years fighting with each other until they finally divorced when I was 14. My father remarried RIGHT AWAY and had a baby the next year. His life got tied up in a little bow with a new family, and I had to pick up the pieces of what was left of mine - all by myself.

Fast forward 20 years to my pseudo adulthood and I'm now approaching 28 and have had 4 serious relationships that all ended in dysfunction and anger.

I realised just now that I'm obsessed with the idea of "making up". I have found men in my life that might now be the right ones for me- or at least it seems they may not be right for me, despite a strong connection, deep passion, and on the surface relative compatibility.
I fell deeply in love with all of them and slowly, and subconsciously, perpetuated a break up with all of them. I did things to fuck up and make them break up with me and then beg for their forgiveness. . I sort of get off on the idea that if things can be so awful, but the love is strong enough to go back and "make it work".

Instead of just choosing the right people and making it work with them, I've stuck it out for better or worse with the wrong people - in an effort to not be my parents. In my mind - they QUIT. I don't want to be a quitter.

I remember I quit choir in the 7th grade so that I could be in the Theatre group instead. My choir teacher - Miss Klemp - told me that quitting will set a precedent for the rest of my life. Jobs, friends, and she even said - people who quit, get divorced. I was so hurt by this - but its become a self fulfilling prophesy now. I'm the ultimate quitter. I've quit school, I've quit all my jobs - or forced my bosses to fire me - The only thing I don't quit is relationships.

I used to think I knew why I picked the men I do - cuz I'm attracted to guys like my father - unavailable.

But now I realise that I'm looking for the wrong people, and sticking around and settling for them because of both of my parents. I've taken it upon myself to make up for THEIR bad marriage. For THEIR mistakes. Its ridiculous. and it's got to stop.

Maybe the last guy- where things are still slightly unresolved - can be someone more than just a mistake and a toxic relationship - but nothing will happen with him again if I keep trying to break up and make up with him. He can't take it. I can't take it.

I've spent the last few months trying to force a commitment out of him. He would never make one, and I would settle for friends with benefits, and then break it off because it was "too much"for me. But I liked the drama of being mad at him for not committing to me and then telling him to leave me alone yet holding it over his head that I loved him tremendously and he would always come back saying how much he missed me. The cycle would start again where I shut him out - he came back because he missed me, and then I became overly needy - subconsciously I always tried to force him into loving me hard and fast and he always freaked out and pulled away and I would be "devastated" again - but secretly - I liked it because it makes me feel alive.
We were broken up. I was fine - But he came back with the I MISS YOU's ... I let him back in and eventually I asked to see him. we had sex - and then I became unhinged again.

I looked in his phone - something I've never done -- and found that he was talking to other guys. What did I expect? Why did I expect him to ONLY be talking to me? Why did I think I had the right to even know? The bottom line is I did it because subconsciously, I wanted to expose him somehow - or expose myself - or put an end to this madness. I needed something to be angry at him for - something to guilt him for. A reason for myself not to stay there in his apartment... because I knew things weren't going to change and for a whole year, I kept hoping for that change, and from what he told me point blank, "i dont want you to think we're rekindling something", to what I felt in my gut, that i loved him much too much and if I kept this going I would get seriously hurt. I looked in his phone to just give me an excuse to leave ... again, something again for us to "get over".

Except this time, he's really mad at me, and not speaking to me. For real this time. It was a serious violation of his privacy - and an indication of everything he did not love about me - despite missing me as much as I believe he did.

I'm terribly sorry I messed this up for myself again. At least I'm realising what exactly I did and won't do it again.


I hope he can forgive me for it. I'm forgiving myself. All I know is that this is all a learning experience and was supposed to happen to me and to him.




he said once that our love can get through anything... I tend to believe him.