Day 7

today was emotional and heavy.
drank too much coffee.. I just felt you know for like 30 minutes I was having a panic attack. Coffee is one of those moderation rules.... moderation moderation moderation.

then my father calls and is bitching to me. details not important. I fucked up. but his belligerence to me switched me into full bitch mode. To think of how he fucked up and for him to come at me with some hypocritical shit -- i dunno sometimes small things that seem to be only about the here and the now- actually have been waiting to come up from 20 years ago. Needless to say - I was pissed.
I was so mean to my coworkers today... they all get the jokes cuz they get me and we all give it to each other... but I was saying some really gross things to one of them cuz I know she gets embarrased and I was just being bitchy cuz I wanted to and being kind of a basket case.
i didn't take care of responsibility today but I made it to the gym late at night at 9 oclock. Hate working out this late. Its so unyielding. The entire day's fuck ups and assholes and uncomfortable feelings and incidents are on your shoulders. Even if you had what felt like a good day - there are still the things you carry with you day to day weighing you down. Its hard to go through a whole routine and be on point and not feel that emotionally.

I did

4 set superset
bench press (95lbs) (12-12-12-10)
dumbell squat (bi lateral 2olbs) (12-12-12-10)

4 set superset
supine pull up (15-12-12-12)
lunge (15lbs 1st set) (10-10-10-10) (done for reps one leg at a time)

3 set super set
decline push up (feet on bench) 15-12-12-12
pull up (2 close one wide grip) 6-4-4

3 set triset
30sec. plank
10 squat thrusts
10 bicycles

I was dripping buckets. i felt like i needed to burp so bad. It doesn't seem like all that should knock you out - but it did.

I took my time and had pretty perfect form the whole time. I didn't lift too heavy or go too fast or go to slow. I timed every break between 30 seconds to 1:30 and never went past that.
I noticed a lot of the other guys at the gym look at me - themselves each other. This gym is very male oriented. Gyms I've been to usually have about 10 guys to every girl -- but some had like 3 guys to a girl but this gym has like 50 guys to 1 girl. its a meat head gym. every one is pumping hard and doing the whole lets get swole up. I get flashbacks of grade school when most all the guys picked on me for being the wonderful fagget that I was and am-- back then it didn't feel wonderful -- and I still get uncomfortable around all that testosterone. But I get a strong dose of my own and I know in my head that my knowledge of my body and fitness strength and training is so much more expansive than 98% of the poor suckers and cocky motherfuckers in there. I know I'm busting my ass and they're all walking around trying to figure out what to do next. So I don't mind that they're looking at me funny like i'm some jerk for being smaller than them. And for wearing my shorts a little higher than them- and dancing a little to my music. I get in my own zone and feel it and make the most of it. It was actually a great way to end the day -- feel released.

Music was big tonight.

Whipping Post - Allman Brothers Band
Simple Kind of Life - No Doubt
Crazy - Ray LaMontagne
Aint No Other Man - Christina Aguilera
Tusk - Fleetwood Mac
You Are the Circus I Am the Clown - have no idea the real title or artist
Good Times (I Get High) - Styles P
Start Me Up - Rolling Stones
How Much I Like It - Rihanna
The One (So So def remix) Mariah Carey
Makes Me Wanna Pray - Christina Aguilera
Lets Stay Together - Tina Turner live in Amsterdam
Here I Come - Fergie
You Got What You Wanted - Tina Turner