day 19

wow. a whole week not working out sucked.

Last monday I fell asleep in the parking lot of the gym and it set an unfortunate lazy precedent for the rest of the week.

but that's enough of that.

last night I slept over his place and took him to the airport this morning. He's off for 5 days and I'm jealous. wondering who he spoke to on the phone last night and said "i love you" to... he kept calling that person "boo"... i dunno --

he did call me babe last night. And he was silly with me. And kept looking at me like he did when we first met - I am being ridiculous thinking something else is going on besides exactly what is going on. I have a casual relationship with him -- but its deeper than that.

after we had sex -- i said "that was fun" and he said "more than fun"...

and we fell asleep...



so this morning

I
squat/push up superset
4 sets of 12 reps squat 1st set 95lbs - 3 sets 115 lbs.
4 sets of 15 push ups

II
RDL/shoulder press
3 sets of 10 RDL 95lbs
3 sets of 12 20lb dumbells

III Cable row/pullup/split squat
3 sets row 12 reps at 27.5 plate
9 pull ups
30 split squat





i feel ok. I only ran for 5 minutes in the beginning


I miss him a lot right now.... last night was probably one of the best so far...

day 8

Just ran


2.5 mi 23 minutes.


Scared of Lonely by Beyonce and Migrate by Mariah Carey -- great songs to run to.

Ankles were burning up -- but I trucked through it. Wore the Nike Pegasus -- gonna stick to Shox for running.

Day 7

today was emotional and heavy.
drank too much coffee.. I just felt you know for like 30 minutes I was having a panic attack. Coffee is one of those moderation rules.... moderation moderation moderation.

then my father calls and is bitching to me. details not important. I fucked up. but his belligerence to me switched me into full bitch mode. To think of how he fucked up and for him to come at me with some hypocritical shit -- i dunno sometimes small things that seem to be only about the here and the now- actually have been waiting to come up from 20 years ago. Needless to say - I was pissed.
I was so mean to my coworkers today... they all get the jokes cuz they get me and we all give it to each other... but I was saying some really gross things to one of them cuz I know she gets embarrased and I was just being bitchy cuz I wanted to and being kind of a basket case.
i didn't take care of responsibility today but I made it to the gym late at night at 9 oclock. Hate working out this late. Its so unyielding. The entire day's fuck ups and assholes and uncomfortable feelings and incidents are on your shoulders. Even if you had what felt like a good day - there are still the things you carry with you day to day weighing you down. Its hard to go through a whole routine and be on point and not feel that emotionally.

I did

4 set superset
bench press (95lbs) (12-12-12-10)
dumbell squat (bi lateral 2olbs) (12-12-12-10)

4 set superset
supine pull up (15-12-12-12)
lunge (15lbs 1st set) (10-10-10-10) (done for reps one leg at a time)

3 set super set
decline push up (feet on bench) 15-12-12-12
pull up (2 close one wide grip) 6-4-4

3 set triset
30sec. plank
10 squat thrusts
10 bicycles

I was dripping buckets. i felt like i needed to burp so bad. It doesn't seem like all that should knock you out - but it did.

I took my time and had pretty perfect form the whole time. I didn't lift too heavy or go too fast or go to slow. I timed every break between 30 seconds to 1:30 and never went past that.
I noticed a lot of the other guys at the gym look at me - themselves each other. This gym is very male oriented. Gyms I've been to usually have about 10 guys to every girl -- but some had like 3 guys to a girl but this gym has like 50 guys to 1 girl. its a meat head gym. every one is pumping hard and doing the whole lets get swole up. I get flashbacks of grade school when most all the guys picked on me for being the wonderful fagget that I was and am-- back then it didn't feel wonderful -- and I still get uncomfortable around all that testosterone. But I get a strong dose of my own and I know in my head that my knowledge of my body and fitness strength and training is so much more expansive than 98% of the poor suckers and cocky motherfuckers in there. I know I'm busting my ass and they're all walking around trying to figure out what to do next. So I don't mind that they're looking at me funny like i'm some jerk for being smaller than them. And for wearing my shorts a little higher than them- and dancing a little to my music. I get in my own zone and feel it and make the most of it. It was actually a great way to end the day -- feel released.

Music was big tonight.

Whipping Post - Allman Brothers Band
Simple Kind of Life - No Doubt
Crazy - Ray LaMontagne
Aint No Other Man - Christina Aguilera
Tusk - Fleetwood Mac
You Are the Circus I Am the Clown - have no idea the real title or artist
Good Times (I Get High) - Styles P
Start Me Up - Rolling Stones
How Much I Like It - Rihanna
The One (So So def remix) Mariah Carey
Makes Me Wanna Pray - Christina Aguilera
Lets Stay Together - Tina Turner live in Amsterdam
Here I Come - Fergie
You Got What You Wanted - Tina Turner

Day 5

I want it to happen right away -- that is, everything.

ok so this morning was supposed to be bootcamp. I woke up at 5:45 in his bed -- was sooo nice spending Sunday with him and of course the sex was top notch. Sucks that I didn't get much sleep but I was encouraged to get up and start the day and work out.

I get outside and its raining. Class is cancelled. I was almost tempted to go back upstairs but I said fuck it - go home get ready for work and get to the gym before hand. I commited to working out - so what that it wasn't bootcamp class.

workout consisted of:

4 set Superset

B.O.R 90lbs (bent over row) w/bar (10-10-8-6)

RDL 90lbs (romanian dead lift) w/bar (12-10-10- 8)

4 set Superset:

Incline Bench press (2 sets 90lbs - 1 set 80lbs) (12-10-8- 6)

dumbell squats 2olbs (12-12-12-10)

4 set Superset:

stationary lunges 15lbs dumbells (12-12-12-12)

pull up (close underhand grip) (6-6-4-4)

1 mile run 8:42

the run was tough --- I wanted to give up at the half mile but then Tina Turner - Simply the Best came on the Ipod and really pushed me through.

I always have this great shakey feeling at the end of a work out. my heart is pounding my knees are shaking. I'm dripping sweat. It's very close to sex.

The combination of a renewed friendship with him -- and somehow a deeper intimacy level from him - with my working out has me feeling on top of the world.

Of course I am still the fragile tulip I've always been and am feeling insecure despite having no good reason to. Here's to just taking it easy on myself and forgiving myself for wanting to text him 800 times right now and tell him how much I love him -- just because I want to doesn't mean I have to or that I should. I don't have to plan a wedding today -- I only have to be happy and be happy he's in my life someway.

more tomorrow.

Day 3

Kettle bell swing (30)

5 sets pushup/pullup varying grip
3 super- sets bench dum press/lateral dum row
3 super- sets incline bench dum press/bi lateral b.o.r dumbell

1 mile run 9:12


Did this after teaching bootcamp and went into the city to meet Cher at her studio. Love working out in a fully equipped yet private space. Allows the room to contemplate my own private studio.

Running was tough! But so worth it - tomorrow is rest and back to it on Monday

Day 2

3 miles 28:40


Ran mile 1 in under 8:40... forget exact to the second but between 8:20 and 8:40 then walked uphill until I got to the 15:00 mark and then ran whole way to 3 miles finishing 1 minute 20 seconds under a half an hour.


Felt really great to finish -- was tough around 16 - 22 minutes... my right ankle was feeling it a lot. Think it was my casual yacht shoes I wore at work all day. Very flat and not supportive. Maybe should wear running sneakers all day on running days.


Music:
Hero of the Day- Metallica
Baby Hold on to Me - Eddie Money
SexyBack - Justin Timberlake
How Much I Like It - Rihanna
All I Want for Christmas is You (SoSo Def Remix) - Mariah Carey (i'm gonna remove this from the jogging playlist - just doesn't work for jogging as brilliant as it is)
Enter Sandman - Metallica (perfect)
Out of Our Heads - Sheryl Crow (another perfect one)
Beat Goes On - Madonna (also perfect)

Day 1

3 miles
25:00

mile 1 - 8:40
break 1 minute stretch
mile 2 - 8:22
break 1 minute stretch
mile 3 - 7:58

breatheeeeeeeeeeeee

first 4 minutes jog 6.5 mph
60 second sprint at 8.3
2 minute jog 6.4
60 second sprint 8.5
finish out mile at 6.5

mile 2
2 minutes jog 6.5
60 second sprint 8.8
2 minutes jog 6.5
90 second sprint 8.5

mile 3
2 minute jog 7.0
60 second sprint 9.0
30 second jog 6.1
1:30 jog 7.0
2 minute sprint 8.5
finish out mile 7.0

MUSIC
Runaway - Bonnie Raitt
Welcome to the Jungle - Guns n Roses
Aint No Other Man - Christina Aguilera
Sweet Child O' Mine - Guns n Roses
If U Seek Amy - Britney Spears
The Best - Tina Turner
Halo - Beyonce
Whippin My Hair - Rihanna
Sweet Child O' Mine - Sheryl Crow
Hero of the Day - Metallica

i have no life





buns
u check out ur buns
after u've been in mine
perky from the work you did
before you see i'm fine

its not ur fault its me
its not the guy you are.
to touch the one who loves ya
and thank your lucky stars.

for the best one u have
u treat me most unfair
to be the best one I have seen
i can't wash you out my hair

i want to tell you
all of how my day was
and sing you songs
all of how my love was
wrapped up in thoughts of you
tenderly trying to get to you
and hope they'd reach your eyes
and tell u
what i'm dying to tell you.
no matter the other boys
i talk with and enjoy
their sweet kisses and company
its to you I say goodnight
and run my hands along
the space where u should lay
if only in my dreams
that we could stay this way...

new poem

They say u get what u give
I say that's not always true
There are those that give
And then there is you
U reap what you sow
And u are what you eat
This must explain
Why I feel like an ass
Groveling at your feet.
I fooled my heart and soul
Into a million parts
Broke down around your smile
as the target of ur darts.
Its casual what you want
And casual what you got
Its everything I have
Formed into a weighted clot
I've given everything I am
And wanted nothing in return
Except ur eyes to sparkle
And a flame forever to burn.
The suns have risen and lit
Our every wayward path
I wish we could walk together
instead of in this wrath

happens every time

i'm letting myself get to me.

no cigarettes. no ---d. no love. no photos.
no peace. no clean. no body. no joy. no smile.
I can fall so hard in love. And settle for his fist.
my youth is escaping me.
My talent is simmering to a vegetable.
I've locked myself away. afraid of excitement.
afraid of living.

i got stirred up this morning

how do i love thee
let me count the ways
neither here nor there
or in any kind of phase

but i should mention this
be it no such present state
of heart or unyielding mind
could manage to hinder fate.

the ground could swell and sway
and shake me most unsteady
but i would remain fixed
until your heart was ready

freedom of the state
freedom of the man
the abolished king
the triumphed worker
freedom of the body
freedom of sex
freedom of purpose
freedom from religion
freedom from Jesus Christ
freedom from fear
freedom to love
freedom to celebrate the body, its sexual purpose, and expose oneself externally

LETS DO IT

I am exposing my soft torso with a goal in mind that I have to hold myself accountable to get back to the gym and really do the damn thing.

Update once a month.

So I'm about to go on a non-date date.

It's just a meeting. We're going to look at art and maybe have a few laughs and a decent conversation.


But it still sucks cuz I'm wondering what he did last night. He wasn't online at all last night which means he was OUT of the house on a Friday night doing god knows what and could be nuzzled in their arms right now. It drives me crazy and I need to think about something else.

I know that you do miss me
and you do think of me.

and maybe you aren't enjoying other dicks.


but I am vowing to be celibate today.



Sex always confuses and ruins things. I need to know what its like to be emotionally present with myself and with another person WITHOUT having sex.


it's only day one, so I am feeling very confident. We'll see what happens.

I am trying to see how not wanting me - has nothing to do with me. It's hard. Hard to not take it personal.

If it's me you miss.

Why are you doing all that you did with others?


How can I believe that it's bullshit?


I don't. I think you are smiling and enjoying sucking their dicks and kissing their lips.

You aren't thinking of me.


But I'm thinking of you.

Couldn't retrieve chat history

2:28pmPatrick

omg girl

i just read your blog

if you were a drag queen

your name with be introspectia

2:28pmCarlos

LMAO

Am I getting conservative?

Rapper M.I.A had her baby and posted this on her myspace:

"HAPPY VALENTINES!

SUNDAY NITE I CA M E HOME FROM THE GRAMMY'S STILL IN THE MOOD TO PARTY , I COUDA EASILY GONE OUT BUT I WENT HOME INSEAD , LUCKY I DID!! COZ MY EARLY STAGE LABOUR KICKED IN AROUND 2 AM .

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Vfndz8pW9WY

MY BABY WAS BORN WEDNESDAY , HE IS HEALTHY , FINE , BEAUTIFUL AND THE MOST AMZING THING EVER ON THIS PLANET, OF COURSE IM HIS MUM!!!

ME AND BABY ARE PUTTING OUR TOUR DATES FOR 2010 TOGETHER
AND MAKING MIX TAPES
AND FIGURING OUT A WAY TO BREAK OUT OF THE HOSPITAL !

HOPEFULLY THE WORLD IS BEEN TICKING ALONG AND I AINT MISSED MUCH!

C U SOON ,

AND MY BABY BOY SAYZ HIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIII!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! "

I just wonder about what that must be like. I think its adorable that she says me and baby are making mixtapes putting together tour dates.

but I wonder what's ultimately going to happen to that kid. Is it unethical to have a kid and be a jet setting rock star? What's the kid's gauge of stability going to be?

His emotional development is going to be affected. Maybe if he's loved enough and taught that you should be kind to people, that'll be fine and whatever maladaptive social behaviors he has will just be accepted. Its not like rudeness and bad taste are limited to rock stars.

A person's sense of self and emotional well being is developed over time and with experience. The brain will act to protect a person from painful events. Leaving your brain to make sense of an experience without having had the emotional cognizance to fully allow your self to make peace with it, sets a tragic precedent onto a young person.

I'm just wondering what kind of drug addict or power crazed megalomaniacs or nymphos these kids are going to turn out to be. But then again, M.I.A isn't touring till 2010 and it seems like she's retreating and will just be taking care of the baby for now. The majority of the world's crazy people came from regular households anyway right?


I'm pretty sure that bad parents are responsible for all the world's problems. Even the greedy bastards on wall street - I blame their moms and dads.

not fair-

When I wanted to be left alone - I wasn't.

and now he wants to be left alone and I don't know what to do with myself.

mercy on me

I was told today that I never got the chance to develop my own self and looked for emotional experiences outside of myself.

it's where I thrived most - felt alive. Even if people were screaming and annoyed at each other - at least it was real. and at least we could say we got through it.

i'm getting a tattoo today that will read I have fought, and conquered. again its about the journey. It's ironic. I will fight and I will conquer. I don't think I have yet all the way.

Heres some lyrics from Christina Aguilera


Lord have mercy on my soul
For I have walked a sinful road
and that I'm down on my knees
Lord have mercy on me, please

Ohh yeah

Jesus, I must confess
That in all my loneliness
I've forsaken and I've sinned
Leaving fragments of a man so broken

I could tell you what I've done
Or should I tell you where I went wrong?

Well the more that I start to play
My deceitful, evil ways
Keep on growing stronger by the day

Oh lord have mercy on my soul
For I have walked a sinful road
So I'm gonna get down on my knees
Beg forgiveness to help set me free
Lord have mercy on me, please

Mother Mary full of grace
In my weakness, I've lost faith
I've been careless, and I have been warned
And the devil inside me is torn
God bless the men that I have scorned

Oh lord have mercy on my soul
For I have walked the sinful road
So I'm gonna get down on my knees
Beg forgiveness to help set me free
Lord have mercy on me, please

Woah, woaa yeah yeah
Woa yeah yeah oh oh
Oh-oh yeah yeah yeah, ohh

So don't let me fool around no more
Send your angels down to guide me through that door
Well I've gone and confessed my regrets
And I pray I'm not held in contempt
I'm so lost, and I need you to help me repent

Oh lord have mercy on my soul
Oh I'm begging, I'm pleading, I'm needing
I want you to know
So I'm down upon my knees
Oh lord, I need forgiveness
I need forgiveness from you

seeds of pain from the past

I realised that all my major relationships have been an obsession of breaking up-to make up.

My parents split up when I was 8 and spent the next 6 years fighting with each other until they finally divorced when I was 14. My father remarried RIGHT AWAY and had a baby the next year. His life got tied up in a little bow with a new family, and I had to pick up the pieces of what was left of mine - all by myself.

Fast forward 20 years to my pseudo adulthood and I'm now approaching 28 and have had 4 serious relationships that all ended in dysfunction and anger.

I realised just now that I'm obsessed with the idea of "making up". I have found men in my life that might now be the right ones for me- or at least it seems they may not be right for me, despite a strong connection, deep passion, and on the surface relative compatibility.
I fell deeply in love with all of them and slowly, and subconsciously, perpetuated a break up with all of them. I did things to fuck up and make them break up with me and then beg for their forgiveness. . I sort of get off on the idea that if things can be so awful, but the love is strong enough to go back and "make it work".

Instead of just choosing the right people and making it work with them, I've stuck it out for better or worse with the wrong people - in an effort to not be my parents. In my mind - they QUIT. I don't want to be a quitter.

I remember I quit choir in the 7th grade so that I could be in the Theatre group instead. My choir teacher - Miss Klemp - told me that quitting will set a precedent for the rest of my life. Jobs, friends, and she even said - people who quit, get divorced. I was so hurt by this - but its become a self fulfilling prophesy now. I'm the ultimate quitter. I've quit school, I've quit all my jobs - or forced my bosses to fire me - The only thing I don't quit is relationships.

I used to think I knew why I picked the men I do - cuz I'm attracted to guys like my father - unavailable.

But now I realise that I'm looking for the wrong people, and sticking around and settling for them because of both of my parents. I've taken it upon myself to make up for THEIR bad marriage. For THEIR mistakes. Its ridiculous. and it's got to stop.

Maybe the last guy- where things are still slightly unresolved - can be someone more than just a mistake and a toxic relationship - but nothing will happen with him again if I keep trying to break up and make up with him. He can't take it. I can't take it.

I've spent the last few months trying to force a commitment out of him. He would never make one, and I would settle for friends with benefits, and then break it off because it was "too much"for me. But I liked the drama of being mad at him for not committing to me and then telling him to leave me alone yet holding it over his head that I loved him tremendously and he would always come back saying how much he missed me. The cycle would start again where I shut him out - he came back because he missed me, and then I became overly needy - subconsciously I always tried to force him into loving me hard and fast and he always freaked out and pulled away and I would be "devastated" again - but secretly - I liked it because it makes me feel alive.
We were broken up. I was fine - But he came back with the I MISS YOU's ... I let him back in and eventually I asked to see him. we had sex - and then I became unhinged again.

I looked in his phone - something I've never done -- and found that he was talking to other guys. What did I expect? Why did I expect him to ONLY be talking to me? Why did I think I had the right to even know? The bottom line is I did it because subconsciously, I wanted to expose him somehow - or expose myself - or put an end to this madness. I needed something to be angry at him for - something to guilt him for. A reason for myself not to stay there in his apartment... because I knew things weren't going to change and for a whole year, I kept hoping for that change, and from what he told me point blank, "i dont want you to think we're rekindling something", to what I felt in my gut, that i loved him much too much and if I kept this going I would get seriously hurt. I looked in his phone to just give me an excuse to leave ... again, something again for us to "get over".

Except this time, he's really mad at me, and not speaking to me. For real this time. It was a serious violation of his privacy - and an indication of everything he did not love about me - despite missing me as much as I believe he did.

I'm terribly sorry I messed this up for myself again. At least I'm realising what exactly I did and won't do it again.


I hope he can forgive me for it. I'm forgiving myself. All I know is that this is all a learning experience and was supposed to happen to me and to him.




he said once that our love can get through anything... I tend to believe him.

a thought occured

Life is a series of moments leading up to, or in the aftermath of a singular event, that while the burden of time burns the insignificant, this event is preserved and seared in our minds to either delight or torture us.

ache

i'm trying to make sense of the shivers in my skin
to obsess about the longing in my heart
is to live and breathe and be alive.
the longing in my heart is the only heart i've known.

no amount of anything has measured up
to the weight of loss
i've felt my whole life.


i'm heavy.

Charmants.com

I was photographed by Ignacio Lozano Blasco for Charmants.com

check it out...

http://www.charmants.com/2009/02/08/ignacio-lozano-and-jeremy-kost-shooting-east-and-west/

this was taken years ago. a simple portrait. I hold a lot of hope in this pose.

I'm doing this to express my creativity without offending my mother on facebook.
I've realised that a stream of consciousness is more effective in determining my true goal than belabouring the point with ideas and possibilities.
I've been obsessed with not living up to the standards that I think have been set for me. I wonder if I'm truly beautiful. Truly smart. And truly talented. I am interested to see if I can really change who I am.
Who I am has been an hindrance to me my whole life. The idea that I could possibly reinvent myself. Be someone I was never supposed to be. To be able to change from within, and then have an effect on the world around me is what I've always wanted. I've been focusing however on changing the outside. I will be posting some photos of myself at my most unfit and out of shape. As the program I will develop to change my body takes place, I will be posting more photos documenting my progress.

but right now -- these are all empty promises. I am sitting in my bed, filling my lungs up, and wishing for a different life. The biggest hurdle for this blog -- is to live up to the title.
Advancements in Perfection

ad·vance·ment

Pronunciation:

\əd-ˈvan(t)-smənt\

Function:

noun

Date:

1553

1: the action of advancing : the state of being advanced: a: promotion or elevation to a higher rank or position b: progression to a higher stage of development
2: an improved feature : improvement

A higher stage of developing my own perfection. My title suggests that this is about the JOURNEY not the destination. and today -- the journey is slow going.


real quick

being perfect to me is

being happy in my own skin for everything I am and being proud of what I am.

(I can say that I already feel this way)

being in control of my own mental illnesses

(this isn't the case, and it makes the first attribute of perfection null and void, despite actually being grounded in happiness and self love - I know how to trick myself into thinking the opposite)

confident,
savvy,
funny,
talented,
cool,
generous,
a leader,
creative,
empathetic,
caring,
and sexy.

I'd like to be rid of the need for validation. I would be so much more of the above attributes, if I didn't need people outside of me to validate what I already know I am.

I'd like to be stronger. Leaner. Less fat. More in control of what I ate. How my body is managed and maintained.



Here's to seeing how far I'll take things.

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