fuck you...

what am I doing?
rather than sit in class, I've come to ignore my responsibilities and of course... i can't even finish this sentence.

I couldn't finish college (still at that one)
couldn't make it as a photographer - and yet idiots with a point and shoot, no money, no connections, can move to NYC and get work...
i couldn't make it in LA
couldn't make it as a personal trainer
can't even personally train myself to get a six pack.
i can't keep a man.
i can't keep a job.
i can't keep my bathroom clean.

i'm a useless sap of nothing going nowhere and feeling the emptiness of everything.

the emptiness of everything. Everything is all over and inside and out of everything you see. everything is inside and out of everything you can't see. Its every piece of matter and every piece of space in between all the matter. And I only feel the emptiness in all of it. nothing is there. none of it matters...i'm not really here either.

Day 543

I have been SO unmotivated and UNfocused. its not even cute anymore... I'm ready to be committed.... to they psych ward... Every time I sit down to write something, or do homework, or work out, or clean my room, or eat a healthy meal; I am paralyzed by fear and this unyielding...

did it again - i stopped writing that too tinker with an always update-able iTunes playlist of Christmas music. Its not even double digits November and I'm focusing on making the perfect Christmas playlist.

I wish I had a family of my own. My own home and my own children and people would come over and it would a warm place of love and good times. - which is why i value Christmas so much. Its a time to be thankful for the family I do have - even tho its not perfect - filled with resentments and many things are unsaid - its still my family and I'm glad to have it. So for christmas, I like to provide the music that fills the house and puts at least ME in a good mood... I duno christmas is important to me for those reasons...

mostly i've just been able to shake this unrelenting sense of "DO ABSOLUTELY NOTHING"

its like a mantra going off in my mind while my world around chips away piece by piece... failure by failure.

quitter

Day 458

Ary Nunez SHOWTIME: LOVES! LET'S BE RESPONSIBLE AND GRATEFUL TO OUR GODLIKE QUALITIES. ADVERSITIES ARE THE EXERCISE TO LIGHTNESS AND THE GREATNESS THIS LIFETIME WARRANTS WILL UNFOLD AS MIRACLES WELL DESERVED


Today I joined Krank Systems owned by Pete Isip

heres a link to his website


and two videos showcasing some of the disgusting vile things he makes people do.







today I had a resistance band wrapped around my ankles limiting my mobility and i had to take 20 steps forward and backward and 20 steps to the right and 20 steps to the left and then do it twice.

UM sounds so easy right.


My ass muscles, and I call them muscles not just my ass because I felt every last one of them, were experiencing a pain never so bizarre and wretched as experienced today. This is coming from a guy who is gay and has had solid, big and oddly shaped foreign objects - mostly penises but still - inserted INSIDE his anal cavity... And this hurt more.


okay thats a gross joke but it had to be said.

if that weren't enough I went through a series of squats and lunges and some push ups and crunches and then more squats and more push ups and more lunges. i then hung from suspension bands and pulled myself up... i'm too flummoxed to try to figure out the proper verbiage for this exercise. It was horrible. I told myself I couldn't do it... and then i remember when my father told me "ya know me an your mom are probably going to get divorced and i'm probably going to marry (his then girlfriend, who i'm not naming)" I said "yeah" and then he asked "do you think she's pretty". I wanted to jump out of the car at 75 miles an hour. I was so angry. Why the fuck did he want to know if I thought she was pretty? I didn't care if she was Cindy Crawford, she's not prettier than my mom and I wanted them to stay together.


so in the middle of me pulling myself up in the hell that is this wretched exercise - i'm thinking about this - something came over me and I said - Carlos, you got through that - you can get through this. And I finished the set and didn't give up. I paced myself and breathed through it and did it.




and then I went to the bathroom and threw up.



LMAO

hear my heartbeat

and i think somewhere in between palisades park and paterson i realised he was digging me
lol
and i as time is going on realizing that im starting to really dig him
and blah blah it wasn't a real date
it was just a hang out thing
but it was unexpected
ah ok. i get it now
well you had a cute little moment
you gonna follow up?
or did he?
he hasn't!!!!
lol
we talked after we got home over text and thru IM
:/
that's a good enough follow up
yeah but he hasn't yet so far today
lol
any kinda communication counts
well its still kinda early
as long as a week doesn't go by
true
a WEEK!?!?!?!!?
oh no
i think thats rude
it is
but i was exaggerating
anything more than 24 hours is rude
aw i feel the same
when it comes to lovey dovey
not friend stuff
i'll ignore an annoying bitch
but then i'll feel sorry for them
cause im a softie
nah it can't be lovey dovey
but i feel like when its established that you like someone u should just be in touch i guess
what a crazy world we live in and the rules i make up in my own head....

There was a time when love grew in silence over months without a word from your loved one. Separated by miles or weather or war and without the scent or sound or words of your loved one, just the memory of what's burning up inside.


and besides - wouldn't those people be annoyed if they ended up having to be in constant communication with their loves?

In Search of Schrodinger's Cat: Quantum Physics and Reality by John Gribbin

The Fabric of the Cosmos: Space, Time, and the Texture of Reality by Brian Greene

Einstein for the 21st Century His Legacy in Science, Art, and Modern Culture



I am not sold on the 3rd one. Its more like a survey of different achievements and mistakes Einstein made rather than a thorough analyisis of his work.

Consequences Day 400

Consequences day 400

I've been here before. no literally here in this spot. This place on the earth. Unless this earth has moved from and back to and away from again from this spot.

In the library on campus. I've been here before when I could've been in class. I woke up late and arrived on campus with 60 minutes left of lecture. I walked up to the door, I peered in the window, I saw more people than usual, less empty seats, I saw peole being interested, people being bored and I didn't want to shift the energy back on to me.

I'm a chicken.


I came to the library to write this. I looked up 4 books on Quantum Mechanics. I am like a label whore for my reading and music interests. I like to pretend to read and listen to smart people topics but I really feel so average and like an idiot. Oh well, these books are written for the non scientist so i think it will be fine.

Day 397

i go to a playlist point of view

mariah's ballads


1. Vision of Love
2. Love Takes Time
3. Hero
4. Without You
5. My All
6. We Belong Together
7. H.A.T.E.U
8. Fly Like a Bird
9. Don't Forget About Us
10. Help Me Make It Through the Night
11. Bliss
- angel prelude -
12. Slipping Away
13. Thanx 4 Nothin
14. Imperfect
15. Reflections
16. Can't Let Go
17. Anytime You Need a Friend
18. Music Box

everything i'm touching is created before and after i created it. It sits and continues to create

every moment I'm having, I already had and will always have.

not to get too heady cuz i won't be able to complete the thought tonight.
consequences... when faced with a way to my dreams, I doubt it. faced with its ever presence, i cower in its enormity marveling in its insignificance

I met a guy today who turned out to turn me upside down. But i am him? who's wiggling?



references : Radiolab.org beyond time episode

http://www.wnyc.org/shows/radiolab/episodes/2005/03/04

WNYC - Radiolab: Beyond Time (March 04, 2005)

annoying ramblings

Day 370

I tend to not read.
Such common reading materials I use, NY Times, Hemingway, Jane Austen, articles, poems, I catch in passing I tend to draw out lengthy explanations and wordy responses to original thoughts and I use a lot of words to say virtually nothing at all. Saying it in order to just announce that i will be saying something at the end of this non-incendiary statement. For what its worth the way I think, and the way I take in information can trouble me too much to the point that my emotional comprehension moves at such a rate faster than my practical comprehension that I am often drawn to move out of line wiht my own thoughts or action. Perpetual distraction .
So thats one reason I don't read.
The other is I tend to abhor the tedious drivel of most self centered narcissistic writers, such as myself and the problem is I can't seem to ignore the underlying narrative of a writer unknowingly exposing himself and his real intentions while presenting a piece of investigated, or at the very least, seriously contemplated piece of thought. I hear the intention behind their presumptions, and I'm left to recognize that every writer has to seek out evidence of the ideas they already gave birth to a thousand times over. Seeking out the brilliance of mastered words can reaffirm my own brilliance.
and here in an attempt to dispel another person's mistake in reading, I found my own fault in not doing so.
Thirdly tho I would make the point that often finding out the truth of a writer's intention can make it hard to take their shroud statement seriously. So I tend to not read highly political pieces in restraint from leaving the group to then absorb myself into an anti-group group. Political unity never gets truly examined. its always one political platform hiding behind any interest with the broadest potential market, supplanting their agenda with supportive evidence and swaying materials that support their main issue.
At the end of it, I feel like the ideas I've had in my head, that are just there as a product of the ideas that have always existed, ideas that we all share, individually our own, and collectively shared, are never fully expressed as perfectly as they are in my own head.

so i'm kind of like a one man communist nation.

from About.com

I am doing extra acts of kindness rather than giving up something.
—nganga2


Getting Drunk
I have gotten drunk nearly every weekend or week since I was about 16 years old. I will be turning 27 next month. Today is Wednesday, March 10, and it has been roughly three weeks since I had a drink. Halfway there! I DO IT FOR GOD NOT MYSELF: I will not let God down. We can all do it, and this board helped. Thank you all.
—Guest Joe


Facebook
I'm giving up Facebook for Lent! It's been hard; I went through a little withdrawal, but no big deal. I'm still going, and I'm not even counting the days.
—Guest haggard23





Lenten Sacrifice
This year I decided to approach my Lenten sacrifice differently. Instead of giving up one thing for the full 40 days, I am adding an element of spiritual growth instead. I began to read the Psalms everyday in addition to my current devotions, leading (hopefully) to more peace and a closer relationship to God. With two jobs and a number of other community and ministerial activities, my free time is extremely limited, so I will in fact be giving up things to make time for the Psalms. I can only hope that it becomes a habit, and that I continue this after Easter.
—Guest Laurie D


EWTN
I'm watching at least an hour of EWTN each night. The problem is that I like it so much it hardly seems to be a sacrifice. It was intended as a gift to God, though.
—Guest KKPG


Sometimes You Should Take Something On
Some good ideas include reading the Bible by Easter, adopting a child from a Catholic agency, or doing a daily rosary. For some people, giving up chocolate does not personally help them, so instead of Lent always being viewed as "giving something up," it can also be viewed as taking something on.
—Guest MK


Beef
I am giving up beef for Lent. It's so difficult to resist the craving for burgers, chili, meatballs, etc., when I'm out to eat. I am committed to giving them up, and it's been working out so far, although it's been very challenging. Also thinking of going back to church and taking my daughter with me every Sunday mass. I would like to start teaching her the importance of prayer and listening to God's Word.
—Guest AAB


KS Catholic


I am a convert, and I continue to be amazed at how rich and fulfilling the Catholic Church is. Lent and Easter drip with grace, and I, year after year, fail in my Lenten sacrifice(s). Already, we are two weeks into Lent, and I have not fully committed myself. I must surrender and quit procrastinating. Being obedient to my Lord must be my daily goal. Therefore, I will abstain from unhealthy foods and soda; tame my tongue (gossip, occasional swearing, verbally lashing out when angry); pay my bills on time; incorporate exercise into my life so my body can be a worthy vessel of God; go to Confession frequently; pray, meditate, and read the Bible; keep our home neat, clean, and orderly; replenish our savings; be more punctual; teach my children Catholic prayers; pray the rosary/Divine Mercy; no lying/swearing/gossiping/criticizing/grumbling, etc. Clean my heart, soul, mouth, and spirit. Bless the Blood of Christ. Less anger and disappointment. Pray for me my brothers and sisters in Christ.
—KScatholic



What We're Giving Up for Lent
Bill is giving up deserts—quite a sacrifice for him. I am giving up chocolate, to which I am quite addicted. We are giving the money we would have spent on these things plus the meat on Friday, etc., to a place that cares for the poor and homeless.
—Guest Bill and Lynn Baird


Working on Self-Denial
True self-denial is hard for me. Even amidst the fasting of Lent, I've always looked for a way to cheat. I am trying visualize Christ on the Cross and all the self-denial that took. My main goal is to keep to two small meals and one normal meal. I will be praying for others I've read about here who are trying to take control of something, be it alcohol, cursing, etc. May we all reap enormous spiritual blessings from this holy season.
—Guest Autumn


What I Decided To Give Up for Lent 2010
Well, I had a hard time to come up with one, since I have never completed a whole Lent and taken it as seriously as I am this year. I am a junior in college and wanting to do something for me. I decided to give up MySpace, Facebook, saying bad words, eating meat, and I will be a good daughter. I decided to do this because giving up MySpace and Facebook, as silly as it sounds, is really hard for me. I am so used to using them during homework, before and after I sleep, at night, etc. I also decided to not say bad words because I need to break that habit. I don't like it and I am trying to avoid that. I need to be a better daughter because I have observed myself, and I could be better. I want to be better, and I hope that through prayer and self-discipline, I can achieve this. Lastly, I have thought of becoming vegetarian and wanting to become more humble by avoiding meat. This way I can learn and value the struggles poor people go through.
—Guest Chelylicious




AlcoholI am giving up all forms of alcohol. I enjoy a glass of wine with dinner and an occasional cocktail. I am also giving up all forms of sugar/sweets. I really love Kashi bars—in fact too much, so this is a good way to get control over eating too many. I will enjoy natural forms of sugar, from fruit and maybe honey—all things God created. I am also praying to, and reading more about, God. I want to hear HIS voice instead of my own.
—Guest Kathleen



Eating and Complaining
I am giving up food for Lent. I know this one is going to be hard for me, but I know that life is not meant to be easy, and so I am going to give it my all. When I told my friends that I would be fasting for 46 days of Lent they all thought I was crazy, but I am going to give it my best shot. I am also going to try to give up my complaining. I complain on a daily basis, and I am going to give it my all not to complain because I know it could be worse.
—Guest Elizabeth




A Studious Lent
This year I've decided that I'm going to use The Artist's Way as part of my Lenten observation. I decided to go through the process for my writing, and now that I've gotten into it, I see how much it's benefiting my spiritual life as well. I'm excited for what the rest of the study will bring for my spiritual walk and my writing. In addition to that (which I don't think really "counts" because I'm already doing it on my own), I'm going to read/study Johnnette Benkovic's Full of Grace. There are eight chapters and six weeks of Lent, so if I double up two weeks' readings, it'll be perfect. I considered going through a Women of the Bible study I found online, but there are 17 lessons, so I couldn't figure out how to make it work for Lent (for me), so I'm saving it for after Easter instead. I've also decided to give up sleep. I'm going to get up earlier every day in order to spend time in prayer, get things done around the house, and get an early start to the day.
—Guest Nicole

Day 293

40 days have gone by.

and I did not think of what I gave up for lent. I think this is because LOL

sigh
eyes shift
hear a noise

scrunch up toes
close eyes
write
write
delete


i thought of it for sure. I probably thought of it the most when I was stuffing my face with bread and butter - the object of my lenten vow to abstain. I couldn't hear the promise I made to an imaginary God. The promise to not consume bread and butter, and to foolishly scoff that it would be an appropriate and feasible behavior. I feel like God and those who are faithful (rolling eyes) get a good chuckle over my attempt to mock something thats been around longer than I could ever bare. But here I am - doing such. I thought of bread and butter and what it meant to me. the crunch of the toast and butter gliding across every fiber of bread hitting my back teeth and gums awakening every sensory nerve attached to comfort and peace.
I thought of bread and butter in the in between moments of regret from, and anticipation to, ultimatley eating again -- bread and butter. Whether fresh from the oven or cooled by the warm breeze and cracked on the outside, with its gooey center still melting in your mouth, salted room temperature butter


I don't really want to resign myself to write about butter right now. I'm supposed to be channeling my train of thought to reveal something important or powerful that I can use to get me the fuck out of my own head. How is that I am going to accopmlish that .... get out of my own head by compartmentalizing and dissecting each thought process that I have and basically staying in my head.

but bread is good. its better with butter. and i chose to not eat bread and butter together at all during lent. turns out I didn't eat it about 1/3 of the time - the rest of the time - basking in the magical glow of simultaneous bliss and guilt --

And today - I was compelled to come to this vague and often underused and almost sarcastically thought of blog of mine and write anything. I counted the days since I last was on as I have been doing, and it has been 40 days.

I have to go look it up but...yep I was right - Ash Wed was Feb 17 - so today is the 39th day. I already ate bread and butter today with an egg over as easy as a whore on tina.

1/3 of the time actually proves to be somewhat of a success - but who am I kidding - I see this promise to God and promise to my psyche to try to figure it all out and be good and faithful without ever wanting to give up, I see this promise, and I see it as insurmountable more than I had given myself credit for.


Why today and not once in any of the 40 days had I not written here?


Someone else who's written is going to have to help me now cuz I can not sit here and figure any other stuff out ...




music:
none

Day 253

The Failure of Reconstruction

The era following the Civil War, called Reconstruction, took shape, and slowly dissolved over a decade and finally ended with the Presidential Election of 1876. The standard set by the Declaration of Independence was that every man would have economic, religious, and moral autonomy from an oppressive government, and for that same government to also protect the security of those autonomies. The main goal of Reconstruction was to broaden the wing of protection to include former slaves who were emancipated after the Civil War. It is by this definition of Reconstruction that declares Reconstruction itself a failure, because although an attempt to protect former slaves was made, many generations would pass before some if any of the new principles of freedom would actually be practiced or protected long term.


After being physically destroyed, the South was taken under control by the Union Army. Of specific interest to President Lincoln and the Republicans, property and voting rights for former slaves were protected and advancements to their economic and educational situations were made. Union General William Sherman promised land in South Carolina and Georgia to be settled by black farmers. Called Special Order 15, the promise of 40 acres and a mule became a symbol of freedom, but also an ironic synonym for the unrealistic and unfavorable outcomes of Reconstruction as much of the land which was set aside for Special Order 15, was promised but never given outright. A system of sharecropping, which would allow farmers to rent land in the hopes of earning enough to one day own it, kept most blacks from true economic independence. The sharecroppers would only reap profits after loans that covered their supplies, and rents were paid to land owners at unfair rates.

During Reconstruction black voters became a large supporter of Republican candidates in the now impotent Democratic South, and were able to see thousands of black men hold political offices at every level of government from local to federal. President Andrew Johnson succeeded Lincoln after his assassination and was elected to office in 1866. His staunch belief in self governing state power against any federal intervention, along with his inherent racism led to many battles with Congress to block all civil rights legislation. This laid the groundwork for a political resurgence of racist Southern Democrats, and a growing apathy amongst Northern Americans to lose a vested interest in the success of Reconstruction. Congress ratified the 14th Amendment to the Constitution which promised citizenship to all persons born in America, and in essence secured freedom for blacks to claim their own independence. Opposition from local and state governments gave way to the rise of white supremacist activist groups like the Ku-Klux-Klan and violent attacks against black individuals and communities, including lynching and the burning of many churches and farms, kept the black community from any substantial advancements in society. In 1869 under newly elected President Grant, the 15th Amendment passed which allowed for all men to vote without the discrimination of race, yet this too was undermined by the imposition of poll taxes and literacy tests to voters, unfairly preventing the poor and uneducated population from voting.

The election of 1876 between Republican Rutherford B Hayes, and Democrat Samuel Tilden, was a statistical tie and ultimately decided by the Supreme Courts ruling to declare Hayes the winner by one electoral vote. The regaining of power by the Democrats in the South had given them bargaining power in the debate over the election. Republicans had promised Democrats a position in Hayes’ cabinet and a promise to leave Southern states to their own affairs, so long as they promised not to hinder the personal and political freedoms of blacks. Democrats agreed with their figurative fingers crossed behind their back, and the Army left the South, all but handing over the lives and welfare of black people to the system of oppression that had enslaved them for centuries. Any promises made to uphold the values for which the Civil War was waged and won, would be ignored and all political achievements in the name of civil rights wouldn’t be fully protected under the federal government for 90 years. The generation of freed slaves who were promised a better life, were robbed of their freedom, and while the steps taken in the era of Reconstruction laid the groundwork for future civil rights movements, the era was ultimately a failure for the people it directly intended to serve.

Day 240

I want to make sure I am positive and that I write it down when I'm in an EXCELLENT mood.

I uncovered a lot of layers today. Learned about Freud's Repetition Compulsion. the "
"cause of repetitive reliving of negative experiences"

A lot of the time, even the casual conversations I carry out are a re-enactment of past negative experiences. I attract, and subsequently seek negative attention to supplement an early emotion that I was unable to work out productively at the time of the original negative incident. Since that emotion was unresolved, it came out in anger, resentment, combative language, arrogance, and dramatic "shady" behavior to people.

It's an extremely wonderful feeling to realise that my responses need not rely on reliving this experience over and over again.


I want to name names but that would be irrelevant and unproductive.

For now, I'm jamming to a running mix - except I'm not running. I'm about to fold laundry, hang out at 420 , and take a nap. LOL

FEELIN GOOD


and I think I might want to go to Law School?



Music:
Obsessed remix - Mariah Carey ft. Gucci Mane
What You Know - Nicki Minaj
Makes Me Wanna Pray - Christina Aguilera
Obsessed (Jumpsmokers remix) - Mariah Carey
Scared of Lonely - Beyonce
Don't Rain on My Parade - Lea Michele (Glee)
The Way You Make Me Feel - Michael Jackson
I Wanna Take You Higher - Tina Turner
Candy Bling remix - Mariah Carey ft. T-Pain
Save Me - Aretha Franklin
I'm Gettin Paid - Nicki Minaj
Standing O - Mariah Carey
Get Up Offa That Thing - James Brown
The Best - Tina Turner
I Get Crazy - Nicki Minaj
Fantasy (Def Club Remix) - Mariah Carey
Shakin it For Daddy - Robin Thick ft. Nicki Minaj
Little Freak - Usher ft. Nicki Minaj
Angels Cry - Mariah Carey & Neyo
Obsessed (Jumpsmokers remix) - Mariah Carey
I Invented Sex remix- Trey Songz Usher & Keri Hilson
Don't Forget About Us (tony moran radio edit) - Mariah Carey

Amadalla menu LOL

Day 235

If I've done the math correctly, its been 234 days since my last blog.

Obviously I'm not perfect. Thats not why I stopped writing.

I'd like to just post this video





Its one of Mariah's best videos yet. In regards to her own advancements in perfection - this is a step in the right direction. Anyone who knows me knows I'm a huge Mariah fan - but a fan of her videos - not so much. A lot of them can get boring, and the way she poses and looks like a deer in headlights, can be a little annoying. I prefer to just roll up, lay back and LISTEN - not neccessarily watch.

Not the case with this video. Its joining Touch My Body, Honey and Heartbreaker as one of her funniest and best looking videos. I'm proud of her husband for directing it cuz his last two efforts for her (I Stay in Love and My Love) sucked. the video for Angels Cry is also beautiful





it reminds me of an Alicia Keys video.



It also reminds me of my long love affair. On Feb 6 2010 it'll be two years since I met him. On day 19 I was pining and worrying about what he and I had together. It was a "sex thing" last year. Well it was an undefined love thing. I couldn't call him my boyfriend and he certainly didn't want to be mine. Some ultimatum's were made over the summer and by September - he came back. We haven't fought or threatened to break up since. I think this is the longest I've been in a steady relationship ever without breaking up and then making up the next day. A lot of my relationships were like that.

Heres some lyrics from Angels Cry that are not featured in this remix version.


limitless,
omnipresent kind of love,
couldn't have guessed it would just up
and disappear
in a whirlwind.
Here I am
walking on this narrow rope
wobbling but won't let go
waiting for a glimpse of the sun's glow.
I know I can stand just pull me back up/
there aint no hurricane its just us/
i'm willing to live and die for our love/
baby we can get back that shine



Kinda describes what he and I have been through together. I'm so happy that he's in my life as MINE.




now... if only I can be happy as ME. Yes, its day 235 and I'm still not perfect. I haven't worked out in months, I've gained "back fat" I didn't know was possible to have. I started school again and its an overwhelming mind fuck. I hope I make it through the end of the semester. This is my last chance.




I will report back tomorrow - or next year - haven't decided.